


♡ Or Will You Not? || Cody Carson {COMPLETE}

by dickguzzler



Series: Will You? [2]
Category: Set It Off (Band)
Genre: F/M, M/M, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unhappy Ending, carziger later on?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 02:34:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 18
Words: 38,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19219816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dickguzzler/pseuds/dickguzzler
Summary: *Sequel to "Will You?"*Being with the person of your dreams and living with one of your best friends is something most people would want to achieve. Who wouldn't want that after all?But of course we all know life can't be that great. Shit happens, people leave, and things change. Life is rough, man.Can you really keep everything perfect when it feels like everything is falling apart? Can you really keep up a front that you're okay when even the person who loves you most doesn't care?





	1. Trophy Wife

"You look like shit."

"Yeah well so do you." I rolled my eyes and checked the time on my phone. We were on a tight schedule now. Not a moment could be wasted. "I gotta go. We have a meeting to get to and I'm already late." She just nodded and hung up.

Whatever I guess. I don't have time to bitch about it. Just would have thought after this long my own wife would have the decency to say bye.

I grabbed my jacket and made my way inside the venue. It was nice of our management to at least have the meeting where we were playing later that night. I knew being in a band would be hard, but I never thought it'd require traveling everywhere just to set up some tours.

That's the price of fame though. We have to do things we don't want to. We have to spend insane amounts of time away from our families. I'm not complaing too much though, I love our fans. We really wouldn't be anywhere without them.

"It's about time you got here, Carson." The balding old man glared at me, as if I was the last person he wanted to see. Which I wouldn't doubt it if I was. "Sit. We are talking to some very important people today."

Grabbing a seat next to Maxx, I flicked through the packets on the small desk. It was the same shit every meeting. Important people, important things, are you even listening Carson, what's gotten into you lately, etc. I was tired of everyone asking me that.

I stared at the old guy, apparently named Andrew Harlow. It was easy to zone him out. He had a monotone voice, kind of like a dull buzzing. I'd rather be anywhere but here. Mostly one place, but I wouldn't be there for a while.

After what seemed like an actual lifetime, Andrew finally let us go to practice and set up. I kept starring at the wall, thinking of anything to get me excited for the show. The fans? The interviews?

"Dude, come on." Zach muttered and grabbed my arm, yanking me toward the stage. "What's gotten into you? You just seem so...off lately. Everything alright? I mean I know you miss home, we all do, but I've never seen you get this way before." He sounded so worried. I couldn't lie to him. But at the same time, I didn't know what was wrong with myself either.

I shrugged and fiddled with one of the guitars. I just wanted today to end already. I wanted this tour to be over. I wanted to be with my family. If I kept feeling this way, I'm not sure I'll be able to be on the road anymore.

He just sighed and started practicing. It seemed like he gave up talking to me. Everyone did now. I wasn't "myself". I wasn't worth holding a conversation with, I mean hell, even a wall would give you more answers than I do.

It was about two hours until we let the people with VIP in. The show wouldn't start for another two. Fuck, today was just dragging on. Maybe tomorrow would be better, but I've been saying that for the past month and it never has.

A girl walked up to me, her face so bright and happy. I couldn't let this sadness get in the way of meet and greets. So I just smiled and seem as happy as I could muster.

Everyone's words kind of jumbled together after a while. I don't even remember finishing the meeting and greet, or staring the actual show. I don't remember watching any of the other bands play. I don't remember anything.

Come to think of it, I haven't been able to remember things like that for a while now. It sucked to forget about every happy face, everyone telling us their life story, everyone in general. It seemed as if I could only remember big events now. Like the time I got a new dog, I can't remember anything else that happened that day or even yesterday.

I really hoped I got better soon.

"Hey, we're all gonna go and give you some space. We'll be out at the local bar, don't wait up too much." Maxx said as we got back on the bus. I just nodded and made my way to the back lounge. I don't know what I intended to do, something until I passed out obviously. I could still hear the rest of the band talking about me. They really were worried, but they have to learn we all have our bad days. Mine was just dragging out longer than usual.

I turned on some news channel to drown them out and shut my phone off. I didn't want to talk to anyone right now, much less have any of the guys get drunk and bother me.

"The high for tomorrow is 30, the low 19. Slight wind chill." Of course it had to be freezing. "There was recently some layoffs in some major companies. Another terrorist attack happened earlier today in Aleppo." I don't get why people can't just fuck off and let everyone be. There was no need for this useless violence. But it was ingrained us after thousands of years. It wasn't going away any time soon. "The Eagles won, in a tight game, the score being 7 to 6."

It went on like that for a while. They would say some sports outcome, the weather, something terrible that happened earlier this week, and then follow it up with what's playing later as if nothing happened.

I guess that's the thing with humans. They don't wanna think about bad things. It makes them scared. I can understand, but you can't just ignore a major threat to a certain country and then talk about what time The Kardashians are going to be on. Who the hell even likes them still?

I was starting to feel sleepy, so I stumbled to my bunk. I didn't even bother about getting under the covers or checking my phone before I passed out.


	2. Acceptance In Waves

"We are now boarding the flight from New York to Los Angeles. Please take a seat and follow the safety instructions on the video very carefully." Some flight attendant said, a bit too happily. There was no way anybody could be that cheerful while doing this. "We will be leaving in about 30 minutes."

I sighed and sat back, tuning out the video. I've been on more than enough planes to know what to do now. I could probably recite it to you backwards if necessary. I couldn't wait for this flight to be over. I just wanted to go home.

Some lady walked down the aisle carrying her baby and a heavy bag, which seemed to be just on the carry-on limit. I hate it when people do that. She sat her kid down in the seat next to me and shoved her overloaded bag into the overhead apartment. I hope she wasn't sitting next to me, I hate plane rides with babies.

"Hi, um could you mind moving your arm over a little? My baby needs plenty of space or else he gets really upset." Just my fucking luck. I had to bite back my tongue and give her a slight smile. I didn't want to sit next to a pissed off mother, a baby was more than enough. "Thanks." She sat down and opened up some app on her ipad for the kid to play on.

I rolled my eyes and opened up my mac, I had to work on something while I was on this flight. We had to start thinking up a new album. Or at least an idea for a music video.

The flight attendant, apparently named Ash, walked up and down the aisle telling people to buckle up and turn off their electronic devices until we were up in the air. You'd think they make you turn them off when you were at the gates but whatever I guess.

"We will now be leaving the airport. You will experience a little bit of turbulence as we take off, it is completely normal and nothing to be afraid of." Some people grunted in disbelief. I hate people who think they know better than someone who deals with this everyday just because they read some facts about airplanes.

About a few minutes later, once everyone was finally buckled in and seated, we took off. And that's the same time when the baby next to me started to cry. Just my luck. The mom frowned and tried to quiet her kid, even going as far as to shove a pacifier in it's mouth. I just grabbed my laptop and opened up my mixing software. This was going to be a long flight, but it was worth it.

After what seemed like ages, the mother finally got her kid to quiet down. Luckily enough too, I just finished mixing this song. It was a shame I didn't pay for inflight Wi-Fi. Guess I had to turn on some either some terrible romance movie or something with Adam Sandler in it. Why did flights only have shitty movies? I mean, they had shitty movies and food. How hard was it to get decent food?

~

"We are now landing. Please remain seated until I tell you to get up. You will experience a little turbulence once again, it is nothing to worry about. Thank you for flying with Delta Airlines, and please come again." The flight attendant said into the hand held microphone, looking slightly relieved that the flight was over. I knew I was, this flight took was too long.

As soon as the plane landed a few people stood up, yanking their luggage from the overhead compartment. I hated it when people did that, as if they're any better than everyone else here that they couldn't wait. But whatever, I wouldn't have to deal with them for much longer. Thank god.

The mom sitting next to me, who attempted to talk to me several times during the flight, struggled to hold both her kid and carry-on. I rolled my eyes and grabbed the bag from her, so she could adjust the kid. She just smiled and thanked me before walking off into the bright sunlight outside.

I couldn't stand being in here any longer. I grabbed my mac and tried my best not ot push everyone out of the way. God, why did people have to be so slow when leaving? Didn't they know that other people had better places to be instead of stuck behind them on some plane?

It was actually kind of chilly when I stepped outside which was a first. It's usually way to hot here, but it was a nice difference. Sure was a lot warmed than New York right now I know that much for sure. I'm sure anywhere would have been nicer than the weather there.

I tightened my jacket and was more or less pushed into the airport. Didn't people know how to wait a dammed second? It wasn't the end of the world if you weren't the first inside, even if it was cold. The crowd inside wasn't any better. Good thing I called an Uber before we landed, since Kota wasn't answering me. She either had her phone on silent or was sleeping.

The crowd around the luggage claim was quite large, which I guess was would have been bad for me if I was one of those people who took on too much shit. Thankfully, I didn't have to bring back much, just a few thing of clothes and electronics.

Pushing past everyone, I made my way outside and looked around for the Uber that was supposed to be here. I wouldn't have doubted it if someone had not been paying attention and took it.

"Excuse me sir, are you the Cody Carson I'm supposed to be picking up?" A guy said from behind me, I guess from coming out of the airport. I turned around and nodded. At least someone didn't take it, which was good. Only a little bit longer until I could finally get back home and rest.

The guy motioned over to one of the typical Uber cars and got in. I picked up my bag and followed him, sitting in the back seat and telling him where to go. "Thanks. It must have been annoying having to wait." The guy just shrugged and didn't say anything. Guess he wasn't a talker, which was a plus. I didn't really feel like talking all that much right now anyway. I just wanted to get home and rest. I could already feel the jet lag starting to get to me.

It was about an hour drive from the airport back to my house. The ride was mostly silent the whole way too. "Have a good day and thanks for the tip." The driver, who I never learned the name of, muttered as I stepped out of the car. I just shrugged and walked inside.

It felt so good to be back home. It felt so good to know that I didn't have to wake up wondering where we were in the world at that moment. I was in a fixed place I loved, with people I loved. Nothing was gonna change that either.


	3. Build a Bridge and Jump Off It

Kota's POV:

I looked down at the time on my laptop and sighed. It felt so much more later than what it really was, only 7 at night. This day just seemed to have been dragging on and on so much that it actually felt like I'd die before it ended.

It didn't help that I'd have run out of things to do either. My youtube subscription box was empty, I didn't have any ideas for edits, Cody wasn't answering his phone, and nobody was active on Twitter. I hated days like these. They let my thoughts wander and not to places I'd like to admit they did.

I'd like to say that I've been feeling a lot happier lately, but how can you be happy when you don't feel anything? I don't know if it's been because Cody's been gone a more lately or what but it's been taking, what you could say, a toll on me. I mean, I wasn't gonna tell anyone about it because what's the point in worrying someone over a small little doubt of what could be sadness?

I guess I'm only fooling everyone else so that everyone else turns their back on me, I'll hold on cause I'm feeling like I'm barely alive. Whatever to get by right? I mean people have done a lot worse to get by so I guess what I was doing isn't as bad.

I closed my laptop and laid down on the bed, wrapping the blankets all around me. I forgot just how desperate I was to have someone with me at all times. I wanted someone to stay with me so I could forget about anything that was bothering me. Otherwise, I'd just end up starring at the ceiling all night or start crying for no reason. I mean, I still had moments where I could be fine and then want to bust into tears for no reason. It was annoying really.

This pain seems forgotten, but inside I'm rotting thinking of all this time left to waste and then how I'll die. Die without having have left any sort of mark on the world or having done anything significant. Even if it didn't have a long term effect, I just wanted to know that I had done something successful. That's one of the only things I wanted to in life, to make a difference no matter how long it lasted.

The only thing I know for sure is that I don't care anymore. It's just as simple as that I guess. I don't care about anything. I used to though, but I guess it just happens as you age. You start to care less and less, so it wasn't anything that important. Even if it was, I'd be fine sooner or later.

I looked over at the messy desk in the corner. I had to clean that soon. It was just paper from the notebook laying wide open, so it wouldn't take too much time. I guess I should use something other than a pad and paper to write out my thoughts but it just felt more real when I did. I didn't like the thought of spilling my heart out in some draft online where anyone could see it. It felt more personal on paper, like it was something that only I could see and that I would know. I could always burn a notebook, but I couldn't burn a draft or the cloud it was backed on to.

"Better late than never I guess." I muttered up and walked over the desk. I grabbed the trashcan and threw most of the papers away, stopping to read a few every now and then. I had to say, some of them were kind of embarrassing. I was looking for a reason to burn something anyway, so why not these?

I flipped through the notebook, pen in hand, reading over whatever was left in it. I had a tendency to throw away a bunch of empty pages and then over fill others. Luckily I stopped doing it as often, so that saved some money. Most of the over filled pages were personal feelings, scribbled out and written over so nobody could see what was underneath.

A few clear lines in the middle of the notebook stood out to me as I moved through them. It wasn't written down neatly like everything else surrounding it was. It looked to be a quick little paragraph jotted down in the nearest empty space, probably just from my mind wandering. There seemed to be more to it, but it was either on a different page or written over.

The small paragraph was something along the lines of:

"Nineteen years and I've got nothing to show, we're only getting older now. And when I'm gone? Well, I hope you have enough strength to move on. Angry, but I'm told not to complain. Reckless, but I'm better off this way aren't I? This is not what I want, but I'll bite my tongue.

"And it hurts. Save me because I'm drowning, give me more time like it...people keep on counting, it feels like I'm blinded now as they shut me out. But I'm trying to see. Please. Make this stop. I'd give anything to make this stop.

"I'm not going to know what I'm doing here, so why can't you give me a sign? Hold your breath now, swimming in an ocean of fear. My last regret is never knowing why I'm here."

I guess the words still rung true in some way. None of this is what I wanted. I wasn't doing anything I loved, I wasn't happy with anything I was doing. But what could I do to fix it? I didn't want to ask for help, I just couldn't ask for help. It was unlike me, the person who everyone came to for help needing it themselves? It'd be a cold day in hell before I actually asked for help to figure out why this way or what I could do to fix it.

I'd be fine. I always was and I always would be. I'd figure it out on my own.

I glanced over at the clock, sitting almost perfectly on the nightstand table and frowned a little. Hardly anytime had passed, only a mere two hours even thought it looked like it was 3 am outside. I had been up long enough, it was about time I went to sleep. It wouldn't hurt to get to bed early for once.

I closed the notebook and shoved it in the bottom drawer. I'd come back to it later. I drug myself to the bed and flopped down, wrapping the blankets all around me again. I just wanted Cody to come back already. Thank god he was flying in tomorrow, I'm not sure much longer I'd be able to stand being alone with my mind like this right now.

I couldn't wait to have one of the only things keeping my happy right now back.


	4. Stupid For You

It was about 10 am when I woke up which wasn't that late honestly, but it still felt like I overslept. I rolled my eyes and pulled the covers over my head. I just wanted to rest more, but my stomach and bladder had other ideas.

So, I stumbled to the bathroom and did what everyone else does. I tripped over a dog toy, fell down face first and hit my head on the toilet. I winched and grabbed my head, trying all I could not to scream right then and there. I mean, I would have if Kota weren't still sleeping.

I got up and walked down the stairs, looking out for more dog toys, and grabbed an ice pack from the fridge. Since when did Odie start leaving his toys in the bathroom? Oh well, I'll go and pick them up once I made something to eat.

It was almost lunchtime, so would that mean I make lunch food even though I just woke up? I mean I was kind of in the mood for some pizza. It's a shame we didn't have any, but it wouldn't hurt to order it. After all, I did just get back from tour and hit my head on a damn toilet like an idiot.

I grabbed the phone and placed our usual order, nothing that should take too long. Hell, the longest they took is half an hour and that was because their car ran out of gas. Which I'm not sure how, since I thought they always made sure they're filled with gas before work.

I turned on some reality channel and laid down on the couch, away from the window so the light wouldn't blind me. I've already had enough things bother me, I didn't need anymore.

"You wouldn't believe what just happened! You know the hot guy from Starbies? Well guess who just got his number!" One of the girls on TV squealed. The other girls surrounding her jumped up and down, squealing just as loud. What was it with girls and screaming whenever a decent looking person gave them attention? "He's totes gonna be my next bae."

I would never understand girls. Or fuckboys for that matter. Girls squealed when guys gave them attention and guys sent dick pics when girls give them attention. It was a weird cycle. Why not send pictures of your pet instead?

"Did I catch you in the middle of watching your favorite reality show ever that nobody was supposed to know of or else they'd tease the shit out of you?" Kota sat Odie down on my chest and plopped down on the floor. Where the fuck did she come from? I mean I knew where, but when did she get down here without making noise?

I rolled my eyes and smiled a bit. I missed this actually. Yeah, it was a bit annoying to have her only joking all the time, but it was still nice after being gone for a while. "Oh haha, you're so funny. Hey, I almost didn't recognize you without a dick in your mouth." She blushed and covered Odie's ears. It's not like it would have done anything, he's heard a lot worse before. Good thing he's a dog and can't talk or else I'd be fucked.

There was a knock at the door and Odie jumped off the couch, hitting me in the face while doing so, and barked at the door. Dogs are so weird. I sighed and got up to answer the door, grabbing my wallet along the way.

The pizza guy didn't look too amused when I answered the door. In fact, he just had a look on his face like he hated the world and didn't say a thing except the total. Which I couldn't blame him, he probably didn't want to be delivering pizza at this time. I thought I'd try and be nice and give him a $20 tip. It didn't hurt to be nice to people every once in a while.

I handed Kota the pizza and shut the door with my foot, not bothering to lock it now. It was morning and I was fucking starving. If someone tried to get in, I'd shove a slice of pizza down their throat. Okay, well maybe not but still. It was the thought that counted, right? Right.

Kota had already gotten a coupe of glasses, napkins and plates. Who the hell would use a plate for pizza when you could make a pizza sandwich? I wouldn't that's for sure. What's the worst that would happen, I'd drop it and have to clean up? I've cleaned up dog shit for a while now, I'm sure a little bit of pizza wouldn't have made that big of a difference.

I looked over at Kota and gave her a weird look. "You know you can sit on the couch, right? You don't have to be on the floor all the time." She just nodded and shoved a piece of pizza in her mouth. I never understood why she liked to sit on the floor instead of actual furniture, but whatever I guess. "That, or my face."

Kota choked on some of the food in her mouth and glared at me. What? I couldn't help it, it was fun to see how she'd react. It was usually funnier when Vic and Sonia were here but that was then. "We get it, you're a needy boy. Why don't you go use your fleshlight, buddy? Or did you break it with how much you use it?" Oh, was she really pulling out that card?

I picked off a piece of pepperoni and threw it at her. Hah, take that for saying I broke it. It wasn't my fault the dog thought it was a chew toy. Okay, well maybe in a sense it was but still!

She threw a piece of garlic bread at me and smirked. If she wanted a food fight, she was gonna get a fuckin food fight. "Oh, you're so going down." I grabbed another slice of pizza and picked off the tiny bits. I could just throw the whole thing, but that'd be such a waste. "Any famous last words babe?"

"Yeah, did you set it to Wumbo?" What the fuck did she mean by that? Was it some kind of SpongeBob reference? I swear, that's all she talked in. Well, that and gifs. Always gifs. I rolled my eyes and threw the crap that was in my hand at her and ducked behind the couch.

I had the advantage if she went into the kitchen to get more food though. I was taller than her and kept everything on the top shelf. I mean, yeah it was only by like two inches but two inches can make a big difference if you catch my drift.

I was not about to lose this food fight. I never lost a food fight. Well, except for that one time when I got flashed. There was a big mess to clean up then. Lots of food and other stuff.

Odie came rubbing around the couch with a slice of pizza in his mouth and looked at me. He looked like he just caught doing something he wasn't supposed to. Which, he wasn't supposed to be eating stuff that wasn't his dog food to begin with. He ran up the stairs and sat there, starring at me while he ate the slice of pizza. That damn dog.

"Get rekt bitch." Kota whispered in my ear before she slapped me with two things of pizza. That fuckin sneaky bitch. She pushed me over onto my back and sat on my stomach, smirking like Satan himself the whole time. "And I didn't even have to show you some boobers to win this time."

Why the fuck was I even with her? Boobers, seriously? She was such a damn child, I swear. I pouted and gave her the best puppy dog eyes I could muster. She couldn't resist it when I did that. "Oh come on princess, you wouldn't dare hurt me would you? You love your daddy too much."

She cringed and shoved the piece of pizza, that was sitting next to my head on the goddamn floor, in my mouth. "First off, don't call yourself that, the only daddy you are is Odie's. Secondly, why don't you clean up this mess for your princess?" She rolled off me and sat on the couch. "Hurry up too because I wanna cuddle you."

I chuckled and wiped the sauce off my face. That was probably gonna give me a breakout if I didn't wash my face soon. I threw a piece of bread at her and cleaned up. Cleaning wasn't the first thing I wanted to do when I got back home, but at least I get to spend all day watching shitty reality TV with Kota and Odie.


	5. Lovely Sad

I was still cleaning my face from Kota and I's little fight last week. Never put pizza on your face kids, it will only give you terrible acne and be a pain in the ass to clean up after. There was so much smushed into the carpet, it was unreal. We just ended up cleaning it as best we could and throwing a small rug over the stains it left.

What? I wasn't going to pay someone to come to our house, cut out the piece of carpet, and then just put the same carpet in. It was such a waste of money honestly. You know what I could do with that money? Spend it on more pizza.

It also didn't help when you had a beard going and you had to pop the pimples there. It hurt like a bitch. You end up pulling out little hairs that want to be stubborn and grow right above the pimple, or just end up scratching your face In general. Yeah, it sucked.

"Babe, you look like a kid who saw his first ever strand of facial hair and won't shave because he's 'A man'. " Kota threw one of Odie's dog toys at me and sat in the doorway of the bathroom. Seriously, why was she always sitting on the floor? "Other words, you look like you have pubes on your face."

I rolled my eyes and threw it back, almost hitting her in the face because she was too busy picking at a lose strand on her shirt. "Oh haha, you're so funny. You weren't complaining about it last night though, if I recall correctly."

"I'm never cuddling with you again while you still have stubble." She grabbed my dog and rolled away. What the fuck just happened. I stepped out of the bathroom and looked around for her. Where the fuck did she go? I swear to god, she was always hiding somewhere.

I just sighed and grabbed my phone from her desk. I wonder what new filters Snapchat had today. I haven't done a basic bitch dog selfie in a while. That would give me a reason to go to Starbuks anyway. I had to get that white girl aesthetic. If I was going to be basic, I was going to be as fucking basic as possible.

I opened up Snapchat and went through some of the messages I've been sent. It was nice seeing pictures of some people's collection of merch, their pets, or how we helped them over come a had time in their life. That's the best part about being in a band honestly. I loved it. That and touring the world. I always kind of wanted to travel the world, and what better reason could I have than this?

There was a few people that sent me unsettling things. It sucked that some people thought it was okay to send their fave band member pictures of their scars. Like I get it, we helped you and everything but please don't send us those pictures. I know there's a few people out there who are still struggling with that, and really don't want to see that. It's just not cool dude. Don't do that alright?

There was this one girl who kept sending me nudes. It was weird honestly. I tried blocking her every time, but Snapchat never registers it I guess. It was annoying, and not to mention fucked up. If you want someone to look at how great your nudes are, just post them on tumblr or some shit. I mean, they were greats nudes if I was honest. But still, I didn't wanna have them in my phone.

They still had the dog filter, so I guess if I was gonna go take a selfie with it, I'd have to go Starbucks. Which, I didn't mind actually. But they usually spelt my name wrong, and holy hell was it annoying.

So I changed and grabbed my keys from the kitchen, not seeing a sign of Kota anywhere. You would have thought I'd know all her hiding places by now, but it's like they keep changing every day. Oh well, I still knew how to get her attention.

I crossed my arms and leaned against the door. "Babe, Starbucks." She peeked her around the couch. How did I not see her when I walked down the stairs? You know what, I'm not ever gonna question what she does anymore. I swear I'm never gonna understand her sometimes.

"You had me at babe." She grabbed Odie's leash and poked my cheek while walking out the door. "Come on poopy face." She was such a child sometimes. Okay, more like all the time if I was being honest. It was cute at times though, but it sure as hell got annoying.

I rolled my eyes got in the car, not bothering to double check if the door was locked. Maxx had insisted that we got the app that can make sure your house is locked on our phones, and he wouldn't shut up until we did. So, if I happen to have not locked it, there's always that. Thanks Maxx, you didn't something good for once.

Odie just curled up in a ball on Kota's lap and fell asleep. That goddamn dog was almost as lazy as her, and that was saying a lot. Literally, she could sleep a full 24 hours, get up for food once, and then say she's still tired. I had no idea how she did it, or if I even wanted to know. It was like living with a tiny bear that's stuck in hibernation.

We ended up just going in since Kota had wanted a "special order" and she didn't wanna ask if they could make it at the drive through. A few people stopped and smiled down at Odie and gave him some pats, or some of their whip cream. Hell, even the barista gave him his own little doggy cup.

I walked over to where Kota had found a seat and handed her the brownie we had gotten. "You know that now that we're here we have to do the Doggy filter with our Starbucks, right?" She looked up at me and handed me her phone, already on Snapchat. Damn, it's like she knew why we were here to begin with.

I sat next to her and pulled up the filter, making sure to try and get Odie in the picture for the extra white girl effect. If she didn't put something like "Starbies with the bae 😍 Such cute pups ♥" I was gonna fight her. I mean, I wouldn't actually fight and hurt her, I wasn't that trashy. I'd probably just lay on her and not let her get up. Yeah, that sounded like a great idea.

The barista called out our orders, mispronouncing my name. Seriously, how the heck did you get "Cody" wrong? Whatever I guess. I walked over and checked they were ours and I wasn't just taking someone else's like a fucking idiot. I mean, I've have that done to me enough times.

I sat across from Kota and took a piece of her brownie. She looked up at me as if I had just ate the last bite of mac and cheese in front of her. Which wasn't a good thing. "You little shit." She picked off a chocolate chip and threw it me, not missing for once. But that could have been because we were right across from each other, so who knows. I smiled a bit and took a sip of my drink.

Odie had a bit of whip cream on his nose, which he was trying oh so hard to lick off. The poor little guy looked like he was having such a hard time. It was cute as fuck though, so would I help him? Nah, not unless he really couldn't get it off, but he was pretty close to.

"Ooh, looks like you've got a secret admirer." Kota smirked and pointed at my drink. What the fuck did she mean by that? I looked at her weird, giving her the 'What the hell are you on about' look I usually give her. She rolled her eyes and grabbed my drink and turned it around so that I could see the phone number written on it. It said something along the lines of, 'Hey there hot stuff, you should call me sometime! ♥ xoxo' I looked over at the barista bar and noticed the girl from earlier who had taken our order was smirking at me.

She looked oddly familiar actually. Where the heck have I seen her? I mean I know I haven't seen her here, she's new. In fact, I don't think I've seen her around town at all. Weird.

"So, are you gonna call her?" I gave Kota another one of my 'Not this shit again, we've been over this before' looks. "What? She's like really cute, you should go for it."

I rolled my eyes and took another drink. "Yeah, but there's kind of the fact that I'm with you. And besides, we've been over this before. I'm not leaving you for someone else. If I wanted to be with someone else, I'd have left by now."

She just shrugged and looked down at Odie. "Nah, you'll want to soon enough. Everyone does, so." I sighed and reached over the table for her. She always got this way now. Sometimes, I just wish that I hadn't met her for this reason. She just looked up and smiled a bit. "Just letting you know your options are always open when you do."

I just sat back and checked the notifications on my phone. It was useless trying to talk her out of this. It hurt at first to see her this way, but after a while it got annoying. If I wanted to leave you, I would have. Stop being so full of yourself and realize that. I'm not with you for pity and I'm not with you for show.

I got up threw my now empty cup away. She wasn't talking, which wasn't a surprise. She would feel bad about everything, not talk, hide, and then act fine in a few hours. I wish I knew she'd be like this before I got with her. But at the time, I probably wouldn't have believed you.

She followed me to the car, still silent. You know what? If she didn't want to talk, then fuck her. I wasn't going to go out of my way and make her talk anymore. I was so damn tired of that. It seemed like all I've been doing lately is trying to help her.

She just sat on the couch and played with Odie when we got home. I really didn't want to deal with whatever the fuck was wrong with her right now, so I just went into the small studio we made a while ago and worked on the album. She'd come and find me whenever she was done wallowing in her self pity.

And it took almost five hours for her to talk to me again. She didn't even find me, she was just sitting in the kitchen on her phone.

"I know you hate when that happens. I know you're probably sick and tired of having to deal with my shit, and I'm sorry. I wouldn't be surprised if you left like everyone else." Her voice was monotone, not even a hint of sadness it'd usually have when she talked like this. "Literally, everyone left. Even the people who said they wouldn't, so really. I would understand if you did too."

I turned around and sighed. "You know she didn't want to. You know it's not your fault that happened. You couldn't have done anything if you tried." We ended up having this conversation about once a week. "You know she loves you."

Kota just shrugged, still keeping her head down. She didn't say anything again. I wouldn't expect her to either.

I sat down next to her and pulled her to my chest. Yeah, I was beyond tired of having to deal with her like this everyday, but I knew how much it hurt to talk about. I wasn't going to be an asshole and bitch at her for it. Odie came running up and whined to be held. Way to ruin the mood pup.

Kota just giggled a bit and picked him up. Odie is such a cute puppy. I grabbed one of his toys and smiled a bit. "Hey, what do you say we all go cuddle upstairs and watch shitty ghost shows? I'll be up with some mac and cheese." Kota just nodded and went upstairs. Well, if there was one thing that worked to cheer her up, it was mac and cheese.


	6. Letting Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Pretty sensitive chapter towards the end I guess. Not present day.)

Vic's POV:

I smiled over at the living room. I had so many good memories there. Like the time we were all playing a game and Cody kept losing. The time Riot danced around like an idiot when she found out we were getting a puppy. The time when she kept throwing whip cream at Cody's face and the hiding behind Kota.

I smiled more as I relived those memories and so many more that were in there. Hell, this whole house was full of almost nothing but good memories. I would miss this place, that much was sure.

I sighed and took a swig of the beer in front of me. I wanted to have one more look around this place before I left. I wanted to leave on good terms. And I couldn't do that sober, I knew that fucking much.

I looked around the kitchen, remembering some of the better memories in here. There was the time we were all trying to make a pizza and Kota and Riot kept ruining each other's pizzas. The time we all went out and got so hammered, we ended up passed out all over the counter and floor. There was the Halloween party where I told first told Riot I loved her. Yeah, it was probably the worst timing, but I needed to get it out then.

I got up and leaned against the backdoor and over looked the yard, remembering how Kota and Riot played chase with the puppy all day long. How we had snowball fights in the winter, how Riot kept shoving snow down Cody's pants, how we had campouts here in the summer. There was one particular night that rung clear to me.

~

Riot giggled and made the husky, Oliver, dance around a bit. He looked so sad, which I couldn't blame him if I was being forced to dance. Kota giggled her ass off, for the millionth time that night, and handed Oliver one of his puppy toys. Cody looked over at me, rolled his eyes and went inside to get some more food.

"Babe, guess what!" Riot ran up to me and had a grin on her face that told me nothing but trouble. It was one of her shit face grins. Not good news.

I shrugged and took a swig of my sprite, smiling up at her. Even though she was the tiniest thing I've ever seen, it felt weird having to look up at her. Yeah, I was sitting down on the porch steps but it still felt weird.

"I don't know, Kota finally agreed to let you kill Cody and help hide the body?" She giggled again and sat next to me. "Oh no, I know! You finally find out the reason why Kota does nothing but giggle all the damn time? Because if so, we have to go to some scientist and show them."

She shook her head and hit me in the face. Well, she had a bunch of shaving cream in her hand, so didn't really hurt hurt me if that makes any sense? she started giggling again and ran off to where Kota was actually dying of laughter.

They were such damn children, I swear. IT didn't help any that Cody bust out laughing at me too. I glared at him and grabbed the nearest napkin next to me. Oh, I was gonna get them back later tonight. But for right now, it was starting to turn dark and we had to start the fire.

Why were we camping out in our backyard instead of in an actual camping place? Well, Kota had wanted to stargaze and Riot wanted to start a fire. So, what a better way than to do both of those things by camping? Of course they were turned off of the idea at first because they thought it'd include actually going camping.

Ew, who the hell would want to actually go into the woods and get attacked by bugs? Certainly not me. Even though we'd probably get eaten to death by bugs out here anyway. Good thing I bought a bunch of OFF! spray earlier. And besides, we aren't gonna be out here for that long.

Cody had started to set out the blankets and food while Kota and Riot started putting stuff into a pile to burn. I had finally gotten the shaving cream off of my face and smiled over at them all. Riot actually wasn't trying to kill Cody for once, what a surprise. So she did have a some kind of soft spot for him, even if was only just because Kota liked him. They were such idiots, but they were my idiots and I couldn't be more thankful for that.

"Hand me that empty box over there Cody." Riot muttered while still trying to tear apart the one in her hands. Wait, what did she just call him? Cody turned around at stared at her for like a good minute in shock that she hadn't insulted him, and Kota just shrugged and kept tearing up papers.

He grabbed the box and handed it to her. "What did you just call me? Did you just call me by my name and not 'Fucking Shit Head That Kota Loves For Some Reason'?"

Riot just glared and pointed the tiny knife at him. "Don't get used to it you fucking asshole." Kota started giggling. Again.

Riot groaned, Cody sighed, and I just shrugged and took a bite of my taco and walked over to them. It looked like everything was almost set up, which was good. There was quite a large pile of paper and torn up boxes next to the fire pit, and a thing of lighter fluid. I grabbed it and moved it away from the girls'. It wasn't a good idea to leave them alone with anything that could start a fire.

Once Riot and Kota had torn up anything they could have got their hands on, Cody started screaming. Not like a "I'm in so much pain holy fuck help me please" scream but more like the scream he makes when he sees a bug. A girly ass scream.

How did I know it was him and not one of the girls? I saw him running around like a fucking lunatic, waving his arms everywhere like someone would do if they were possessed.

"Get it off get it off get it off get it off get it off!" He screamed and ran around more. What the fuck was he on about? Riot threw one of the cans of bug spray at him and crossed her arms at how stupid he was being. Which, I couldn't blame her. He was really stupid at times.

Cody emptied what seemed the whole can behind him on one tiny bug. I walked over to him and looked where he was pointing. I couldn't see a damn thing he was pointing at. Until a mosquito flew at my fucking face and made me fall back flat on my ass. I almost screamed as much as he did.

Riot and Kota were laughing at us. I swear to god, they never stop laughing. I just crossed my arms and grabbed another taco. I was still hungry, okay?

"Let's just look at these damn stars and start a small and controlled fire."

~

I ate so many tacos that night I didn't even wanna look at one for a whole week. Which wasn't that long, but still, I ate them a lot so that was surprising to say the least.

I kept walking through the house, reliving all the times Riot had done something mean to Cody and her and Kota just laughed it off. She really hated him to say the least. I forgot just how much she hated him until now.

I got to our room and smiled a bit sadly. We had a bunch of good memories here, but why was it only the bad one was sticking out the most? Was it because it was the most recent? I'm not sure. I don't think I want to be sure actually.

I sat down on the bed and buried my head in my hands. I couldn't believe this was actually happening. I didn't want it to be real. I wanted to just wake up with her doing something weird to Cody while Kota ignored it.

But that wasn't going to happen. I'd never get those moments back. I'd never get them back after this. I just hoped they knew how much they meant to me. I hope she knew how much I loved her.

I looked around the small room and sighed again. Was I really about to just throw everything away like it was nothing?

Well, that's all my life had been dwindled down to now actually. Nothing. No one to go back to, nothing to look forward to, nothing to care about anymore.

So yeah. I guess I was.

I took another swig of my beer and laid back on the cold bed. It felt so empty without them here. But there was nothing I could now. Nothing that could be fixed. I couldn't go back and change anything.

I looked at my phone one last time and read all the messages people had sent me. So many people were worried about my mental state or just worried in general.. I chuckled at that. Why would anyone be worried about me?

I turned on some music, grabbed the now lukewarm glass of water on the bedside table and downed it as quickly as I could. I hated the taste of medicine. Even if was dissolved, I could still taste it. Which it didn't really help when you let it sit for hours.

I sighed again and laid back down on the bed, feeling the cold sheets one last time. I'd miss this place and all the good times here. But oh well.

I didn't fight the feeling of sleepiness anymore. I just let it wash over me and pull me under into a blissfully silent darkness.


	7. Diamond Girl

"Is Maxx bringing Pistol?" I nodded and handed Kota some snacks to put out on the living room table. "Geez, think you have enough food and booze?" She motioned over the countertops covered in things ranging from chicken wings to marshmellow treats.

I nodded again and put more food in her arms. "Yup. Now go set this out, everyone's gonna be here soon." As soon as I said that, someone rung the doorbell. "I'll get it."

I grabbed some of the things out of her arms and set them down on the nearest thing in the living room. Which just ended up being on the couch. Oh well, I'd fix it soon. Whoever was at the door sounded like they were having a hard time trying to balance things.

I didn't want to clean up another mess, so I probably shouldn't wait to let them in any longer. I opened the door and smiled down at Drac in Nick's arms. I stepped aside and let Nick and his brother in, making sure that Drac's leash wasn't caught in the door before I closed it.

Odie came running down the stairs and started sniffing Drac, smiling as much as a dog could. It was cute really, and the first time they were meeting. "Just set it down somewhere, Kota's in the kitchen making sure we have enough of everything."

"Alright, we'll go help." Geoffery said and went to help her. It wasn't too long until more and more people started to show up. There was Maxx with Pistol who was still in her little Christmas outfit, Dan and Syd with their dog, Zach with more desserts, and many more people.

If we didn't have enough food before, we sure as hell did now. We already had one of the bigger plastic tables out, that you see people use for shit like beerpong in movies, that was quickly filling up. Damn, we'd either all be in Food Acoma or sending people home with a bunch of left overs. Probably both.

The game was about to start soon which meant everyone was gathering around the TV. Kota had no idea what the hell the big fuss was about Football so she just went to see if she could turn on the Puppy Bowl on her laptop.

I'm not sure if she was able to since she just ended up playing with some of the animals. It must have been a dream come true that a few people had brought their pets. She was probably more excited about the pets than anything. I couldn't blame her though, they were all good pets.

I cracked open a beer and leaned against the back of the couch and made small talk while we all waited for the game to come on. The pregame felt like it was never gonna end when in reality there were just ten more minutes left. Hell yeah, I was fucking hyped for this. It's a shame the Eagles didn't win though.

We all ended up making a bet to where everyone who wanted the Patriots had to take half a shot when the Falcons scored a touchdown and vice versa. We all took a shot if they called a foul. This probably wasn't gonna end that great for any of us.

It didn't take that long for us to start feeling the effects of the drinks. Maybe this wasn't that great of an idea? I mean, it could have been worse. We could have been taking a whole shot. We'd probably be in a hospital if we did that.

We ended up taking a break from the shots around half time so we could all eat. There were a few people who didn't feel like taking part in the drinking game, which I couldn't really blame them for. Someone had to watch over and make sure the whole place didn't end up in ruins. It still would anyway, but it just wouldn't be as bad. Maybe. And besides, most of us needed designated drivers to get home. It was a good thing everyone mostly came in groups.

The rest of the game seemed to have gone by fairly quickly, but that could have been because of all the booze. That or it was just a short game. Probably the booze.

Yeah, it was the booze. Always the booze.

Once the game ended, we all moved into the garage to play beer pong with whatever was left over. Was it a smart idea? Hell no. Was it gonna be fun though? Probably. Were we all gonna regret it in the morning? You bet your sweet ass we were.

Half way through the game some pretty girl walked in with more food. I don't know what looked better, the food or her. The food was looking really good right now though.

"Y'all are gonna die if you don't eat something and there's still a bunch of left overs left." She said and set the plate of pizza rolls in the middle of the table. She just smiled and sat next to someone who's name I couldn't remember at the moment. Damn, she was cute.

The pizza rolls were gone almost instantly. Dang, good thing there were left overs supposedly.

I leaned over to someone and pointed to the girl from earlier. "Dude, she's hot. I'm gonna ask her out later." I'm not sure if my words came out clearly or not. Oh well, they made sense to me.

The person next to me just chuckled and patted me on the back. "You already did that buddy. You've also asked her to live with you and adopt a million dogs together." Wait, I did? Why didn't I remember this? The person next to me chuckled again and started to me towards her. "Go have fun with your wife."

I landed in the seat next to her. She was so much prettier up close. She looked over and smiled at me. Was it at me or someone else? Hopefully it was me, I mean there wasn't anyone behind me last time I checked. "You look really drunk, do you wanna call it a night already?" I shook my head and stumbled back over to the game of beer pong.

I'm not sure how much time passed, but people started to leave. It had to have been somewhere around two am when the last person left. I'm not sure who it was, all I knew was that they had a dog with them.

I laid down on the couch, trying not to pass out instantly. I wonder if the pizza roll girl who I was supposedly with already left? I hope not, I haven't even found out her name. I mean, I could always just ask someone tomorrow if they knew.

She stood in front of me and held out her hands. "Come on, it's beddy bye time." She pulled me to my feet and helped me up the stairs. I only tripped over my feet and fell four times. All of which ended up with pizza roll girl having to catch me again.

I didn't even bother changing into different clothes when we got to one of the bedrooms. I was way too tired to even stand up right now. I stumbled over to the bed and fell down on it. It felt amazing to be laying down after doing nothing but standing all day.

Pizza roll girl laid down next to me, a small smile on her face. I really needed to learn her actual name already. "You know pizza roll girl, we should go out sometime." I slurred out while pulling her to my chest.

She just giggled and kissed my cheek. "You did that a while ago, but I'd still love to." I smiled a bit and felt myself start to drift off into sleep. Hell yeah, I just scored a date with cute food girl.


	8. Sweetest Heart

It was Valentine's Day and I didn't have anything prepared. Yeah, I could just go to the drug store and get a rose and shitty card and call it a day, but I'm not that low. Kind of. I'd just get a thing of mac and cheese instead of chocolate. Girls like mac and cheese more right?

I guess it was fitting how it was raining today. It seemed like Mother Nature was crying because she was single this year. I should be relatable and tweet that.

I ran inside the house, I was kicking myself in the ass for not wearing a jacket with a hood, and leaned against the couch. If I was being honest, this seemed just like a scene from a horror movie. Guy forgets something important, goes out to get a rose and take out, and comes back to silent house and finds his wife dead in the bed with her jaw ripped open. What was the cause of her death?

Fucking dolls. Well a vengeful demon possessing her dolls.

The only difference was that in the horror movie they got a doll package and Kota never answers the door.

There was a little trail of paper on the floor leading up the stairs. Not roses. Actual paper scraps. It would have been romantic had, but it was Kota and the most romantic thing she did was plan a nice walk in the park for us. But even then, the walk was for Odie so I'm not sure if you could count it a date.

Whatever, I was gonna count it because we had some bad ass bread sticks and everyone knows that bread sticks are a must date food.

I sighed and picked up one of the pieces of paper. It said something like, "Ur a butt and a cutie". She always said I looked like a butt, no idea why though. I was fuckin sculpted by the gods themselves. The rest of the little notes were just as weird.

There were variations of "You're so cute what the fuck??????????? my actual love", "ur a poopy head & u stink like boy but u have a cute dog", and "I'd guzzler ur dick any day ;) jk no I wouldn't u have cooties". I'd say it was hard being with someone who was so childish but I did get a good laugh of out it every now and then.

Another difference from this and the horror movie was that sounded like something falling in the bedroom. So either the demon was making a mess before it killed everyone or Kota had just knocked something down.

I set the bag of mac and cheese down and opened the door to the bedroom. I don't know what I was expecting to see. Probably a bloody murder scene and I'd have to go on a hunt to find what had killed Kota with a cop who doesn't believe me. But it sure as hell wasn't her sitting in the middle of floor with her head in her hands.

It looked like she was crying, but there wasn't any sound coming from her. If this was a horror movie, you'd back the fuck away and never look back. But, just like traditional horror movie fashion, I walked towards her. I sat in front of her and grabbed her hands, pulling them away from her face. It didn't look like Kota was crying, so there's that I guess.

"Did you see a picture of a goat that was too cute?" She just giggled a bit too hard at that and her face turned a bit red. She just sat there laughing for a few minutes. I have no idea why the fuck she found any and everything funny.

She finally stopped and took a deep breath. I didn't dare say anything in case she found that funny and had another fit of laughter.

"I stubbed my toe on the bed, then hit my arm on the nightstand, then hit my head on the floor, then Between The Roses came on and I just felt so emo again you don't understand." I just looked at her weird. Does that mean she was crying? "And then I saw one of your ugly selfies and I fell again and started laughing so hard I couldn't breathe and cried." Well that solves that problem.

I helped her up and grabbed the food again. "Well, I got a sappy card, booze, and mac and cheese with bread sticks." She took it from my hands and set it all out on the chest thing at the end of the bed. Why the fuck that was there, I had no idea. "I also had a rose but I have no clue where that went so you're stuck with this."

She just shrugged and handed me some bread. I just shoved it in my mouth, all at once mind you, and sat down. For once Kota was the one looking at me weird. What, I wasn't gonna waste time eating it bite by bite and let it get cold.

I grabbed my laptop and opened up Netflix. "Horror movie and chill?"

"The only chill you're gonna get is because it's fucking below freezing outside." She giggled again and shoved a spoonful of mac and cheese in her mouth. Ouch, I was so hurt by that. I think I'll need to go to the hospital to get that burn checked out.

I rolled my eyes, turned on SAW, and shoved another bread stick in my mouth.

~

Five movies in and I had to take a piss. Kota had fallen asleep a while ago and I probably should have too but oh well. I'll sleep when I'm dead.

By the time I got done, Kota was sitting up with her head in her hands again. I must have woken her up by accident. Either that or she was just waking up to check her phone real quick.

I sat next to her and paused the movie. "You alright?" She looked over at me a bit scared, like she hadn't expected me to be there. It looked like she was crying a bit too. "Nightmare?" She nodded and hugged my arm.

I grabbed my phone and pulled up pictures of goats for her. Why she loved goats and hedgehogs so much I'll never know. But whatever works for her I guess.


	9. Hypnotized

"Uknown's" POV: 

I checked the time on my phone and looked around. Nearly every week they came to this place. That was if she wasn't being a whiny bitch and moping in her own self pity that week. Oh and she always was doing that lately.

He was late. Which meant I'd have to wait until the next week to see him. Ugh, I hated her so much.

I frowned and drew on my napkin for a few minutes, just to make sure he wasn't just late due to traffic.

"I told you I didn't want to leave." She whined. I hated her so much.

I looked up and saw him roll his perfect blue eyes. He looked so tired, which I couldn't blame him. He let go of her hand and walked towards me. I felt my face light up. He had finally had enough and was coming to me.

And I didn't even have to try and ruin their "relationship" this time.

I could just imagine how he was going to confess his love. He would run over to me and pick me up in his big strong arms, spin me around, and proclaim to everyone that he had always wanted me. Not that basic ass bitch.

Everyone would be so jealous of us. He'd post about how much he loves me all the time. Everyone would love us. Everyone would want to be us. He'd be so happy with me. He needs me.

Oh, we'd be the happiest couple to ever exist. There'd be movies and books about our love. Everyone would say that they want a relationship like ours.

I remember when I first saw him, quite a while ago, almost as we were just meeting again. I'd give anything to relive that moment over and over again.

-

I sat there at the dusty booth with the worn out green chairs that smelled like cigarette smoke and took a small sip of my Venti Pumping Spice Cappuccino. It was a cool day, not too hot but not too cold but heavy cloud coverage that made it seem as if it were going to downpour at any moment. If you looked close enough, you could even see faint and tiny dew drops on the windowsill from the early morning hours of dawn.

I gazed out upon the surprisingly busy city street at the small mom-and-pop owned record store across the street. It had seen it's fair share of days, granted with the faded paper flyers dating back from when the store had first opened it creaky doors lining the inner windows. The faded blue paint was chipping away the edges, either due to weather or just the old age of the small building, and the large red neon sign that read "McGahn's Records" was flickering between the beautiful thing called life and the icy tendrils of death.

I had only been in the store a couple of times. The first was when I small child with my father. He had wanted to take me around the city, show me where the best places to hang out were. I, being the small and naive yet excitable child I was, had wanted to go into every shop we came across. My father didn't disagree, he enjoyed our time together after him and my mother had split.

It was late in the evening when we had strolled past the place. At the time the paint was bright with color and had attracted dozens of people inside or around it hourly. I could hear a faint yet still somehow loud tune coming from inside the store. I knew my father was tired and wanted to go home, but I couldn't help but feel pulled to this strange place. When I tugged on his hand and pointed toward the store, he just smiled tiredly and pulled me inside. He had told me this was the last time we were stopping today. I just nodded to let him know I had heard him.

I looked around in awe at all the records lining the walls, shelves, in boxes, and quite a few other places. It had smelled like home, a scent I hadn't smelled since I was forced to live with my grandparents. I didn't mind of course, they were nearly perfect guardians.

The few people still in line beamed down at me when they had saw me taking everything in. My father just followed me and told me of who was on the cover of the album I had happened to pick up. He told me that we had to hurry home but we'd be back for sure tomorrow.

I had loved our somewhat bi-weekly trips there.

I was pulled from my blissful thoughts by the sound of a car horn and someone shouting out a string of profanities. I looked to where the source of noise had come from, only to find it was a pedestrian yelling at a cab driver as usual.

I sighed and took one last sip before deciding to stop by what seemed like my second home.

I opened the door to to the Diner and stepped out into the chilly weather. I darted across the street, ignoring all the protests, and made my way into my second home.

I had smiled at all the memories that came flooding back.

"Hey, how can I help you?" A melodic voice startled me.

I couldn't believe what I saw when I opened my eyes.

My gaze fell upon a somewhat scrawny yet muscular man. He was wearing a maroon shirt adorned with a black cap which had a white logo on the front, it was a circle with what I could only describe as bananas around it, and black skinny jeans. I assumed it was the work outfit. It matched his light skin more perfect than anything. His eyes were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. They were both a deep sea and bright baby blue color, almost seeming to switch between both colors every couple of minutes. I took in a second to look over his facial features once more.

His lips were plump and luscious, almost as if they were begging to be held against my own. He had a beard, not too full but not too scraggly, that framed his beautiful mouth.

My eyes wandered down his perfect body once more, landing on the slight bulge. I wasn't sure if that was just due to his pants or if he was feeling as attracted to me as I were to him. I felt a blush creep upon my pale skin and I averted my gaze. No, I wouldn't stare too long for now. There would be plenty of time to stare at what he was holding between his meaty legs.

"U-uh..." I stuttered out. I felt oddly small and childish around him. "Yes p-please..." I resisted the urge to moan out 'sir' and gulped. The beautiful man just smiled warmly at me again and held out his hand.

I looked down between his hand and his eyes. They had what seemed like a hint of playfulness in them.

"Right this way, love." I almost melted at how the word 'love' rolled off his probably master tongue.

I pushed myself off the door and followed him to the back of the store. "Want to listen to one of my favourite artists?" He held up a pair of dingy headphones that were connected to a small Apple MacBook. He must have had money then.

I smiled politely at him and stood beside him, trying my hardest not to pull him into me. He placed the headphones on me ever so gently. I glanced over at him and saw a smile play at the edges of his full mouth as he pressed play.

The sound of a quick and boyish "Howdy Doody!" flooded my ears. A few seconds later the angelic voice I'd heard earlier began to sing about something like Fall Out Boy's Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner.

I glanced over at him from time to time to see if he had any kind of emotion on his face. I just wanted to kiss him so bad right then and there.

He stayed close to me a few seconds after the song had ended. I could smell a faint hint of axe body spray or something along the lines of it and smiled to myself. I could just imagine sitting around in one of his shirts that smelled like him while he was away.

Just as I opened my mouth to speak, his phone went off. It was a shame I wasn't able to get out my words then but oh well. When we got together there would be plenty of time for talk.

"Oh shit, that's my boss saying we gotta close early. Sorry about that but it's been fun hanging out with you a bit." He smiled brightly at me. I could must melt right then there. "Hope to see you around sometime."

-

"We've been over this before, Kota. Now sit the hell down." He growled out. I frowned when I realized he wasn't begging for me to be his in front of everyone here. Or at least not yet, that was.

She rolled her eyes, sat down at the nearest table and pulled out her phone.

Ugh, she didn't know what kind of beautiful sight she was missing out on. Whatever. If she wanted to take what she has for granted, then fine.

I had to resist the urge to get up and beat her to death as soon as Cody left to get drinks. If I were to go to jail for murdering someone, K couldn't get married to him. I wasn't about to ruin my chance because of her.

I grabbed my still almost full cup and made my way over to where he was, pretending that I needed to get a napkin or something. He was just as beautiful up close than from afar.

I set my cup down and tapped his arm. "Excuse me but can you hand me the cinnamon please?" I asked in the softest voice I could muster up.

He nodded and handed it to me, our hands touching for the briefest second, before he actually looked up and noticed me. "Oh, hey Maxx." He smiled brightly at me as if seeing one of his oldest friends for the first time in ages.

"Hey Cody. Where's the soul sucking leech that's always clinging on to you?" I muttered out and took a sip of coffee. I hated the taste really. I'm not sure why I still drank it.

He just rolled his eyes and sighed at me. "I know you don't like her, but be nice for christ's sake. You were the one that encouraged me to ask her out to begin with."

I wanted to scream at him that I was joking then, that I wanted him to be with me, that he had to be. I wanted to splash my coffee in his face for even bringing that up again. I clenched my jaw and smiled as much I could. "That was before I knew she was so whiny and needed constant attention. Before I knew she would take you away from me. Before I knew she would ruin everything." I took a deep breath, I couldn't let myself crack in front of him and everyone else.

"You know what? Nevermind, I have to go. See you at brand practice I guess." I glared at him and threw my cup away. "Have fun with your useless cockgobbler." I turned stormed past him and out to my car which I had parked a block from here. I don't know why I did that.

I fished for my keys and slammed the car door shut when I finally got in. I couldn't believe he still didn't see how much of a leech she was. How much she was the source of his problems. Why wouldn't he just realize he belonged with me?

I laid my head on the steering wheel and let the tears flow freely from my eyes. It hurt to know that whatever I did, he wouldn't get the damn hint. He would always come up with a reason as to why she was the way she was.

'Why is she so clingy?' I'd ask.

"She just lost someone, be nice." He would growl out at me.

I wanted to scream at him so many things. I wanted to grab him by the shoulders and yell everything I've been keeping inside me at him. I wanted to scream at him so much that my voice would be raw and throat bleeding.

'Yeah, well I've been losing you ever since she came into your life! How do you think that makes me feel, huh? Like I'm nothing. Like I don't even deserve your time of day anymore! Ever since you got with her, it's been all you'll talk about! I don't care she lost someone! I don't care you love her! Why can't you see I love you? Why can't you see I need you?'

My body was shaking by this point. I couldn't help it. Everywhere I looked reminded me of him. Every word I was thinking was about him and what I wanted to say to him. It was painful. I just wanted to die then and there.

I wanted it to be over. I wanted her to be gone. I wanted him to myself. I didn't know how to make her leave. I had to make her leave.

I stayed in my car like that for a while, crying. A few people had stopped to knock on my window and ask if I was okay. I would just give them a thumbs up to know I was alive even though I didn't want to be at that moment. I didn't want to feel anything.

I cried so much that there was nothing left to cry out. My throat was dry and sore, my eyes were incredibly red and puffy, and I had snot all over my shirt, hands, face, and car. I was a fucking mess. I couldn't go home like this. But I had to.

I sighed and opened the spare water bottle I keep in case of emergencies and downed it. I would just say that I was watching Marley and Me or animal rescue videos before I got here. Everyone else know much of a soft spot I had for those things.

I wiped my nose and drove home. It was a little hard with my eyes being almost caked shut, but I still managed somehow.

All the cars were here so there went my chances of sneaking in unnoticed.

I would have to come out later and clean the snot off my steering wheel. I should really get a cover or something for it.

I opened the door and cringed slightly at all the loud noises coming from inside. I guess it would be better for me that they were throwing a party. Everyone would be too distracted to notice me coming inside.

Syd saw me and pretty much ran over to me, concern written all her face. "Oh my god, what happened? Are you okay? Do you need me to get you anything?" I smiled slightly at it. She was so caring. It was nice.

"Water please." I croaked out and sat on the stairs. I felt as if I didn't sit down soon I would pass out.

Syd came back and handed me what seemed like the entire case of water bottles and sat next to me. "Need some alone time?" She patted my back and handed me a box of tissues. I just shrugged and downed a bottle of water. It felt so good on my throat.

She just nodded and got up. "I'll help you get to bed. Spam text me if you need anything, alright?" She reached her hand out and pretty much drug me up to my room. She really was the mother figure of this house. "Don't worry, this will be between us unless you want anyone else to know."

I shook my head and tried my best to thank her. She was too much sometimes though. I knew she meant well. It meant a lot, it really did.

I sat on the bed and downed half the case of water bottles. I was feeling somewhat better now so that was good I guess. I still didn't want to see Cody at all this week. Band practice would be a living hell this week.

Thank god it was only five days away. I'm not sure how I'd manage to stay sane if it was sooner. I'd probably end up crying my eyes out again or just telling him how I've felt for the longest time.

Both weren't a good option. If I was unlucky, he'd bring her. I really hope he didn't. I couldn't handle seeing her face again. Especially that soon. I would certainly snap and lose it then.

I really needed to get my shit together before the next practice. I have to stop letting my emotions get the better of me again. It's not healthy.

I sighed and laid back on the soft mattress. Maybe if I just slept I would wake up in a world where everything was perfect for me, where she wasn't in the picture and I had Cody all to myself. One where he was all mine, one where I didn't have to share him with anyone. One where we the happiest couple to ever exist.

One where I wasn't crying myself to sleep knowing he didn't know that I loved him.

But one could only hope for that kind of bliss.


	10. Stomach Tied In Knots

Maxx's POV:

I threw myself down on the and sighed. Why was I still upset about this? I knew I never had a chance, but I guess it's just because that I'm so optimistic that I'm still hoping.

My eyes were burning, I had snot all over my cute pink hoodie, and I felt like death. I probably looked liked it too. I just needed some sleep.

There was a light knock on my door and I felt my heart so a little blackflip, wishing for it to be him behind that door. My heart so desperately wanted it to be him coming to apologize for everything he's done and say that he wanted me. I'm not sure what would hurt more though, it being someone else or him seeing me in this ugly state.

I stared at the door knob just waiting for it to turn and for someone to ask what was wrong. What would I say this time? I saw a commercial about homeless animals and started crying because I couldn't help all them? Actually, that has happened multiple times.

"Can we talk? Please?" My heart almost stopped when I heard those words.

I rolled over and shoved my face in the nearest pillow to make it seem like I was sleeping. I didn't want to deal with this right now.

I could hear the door open and close lightly, footsteps coming closer and him coughing. "Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken it so harshly back there. Hell, I'm not even the one you hate. I mean, now probably. I kinda hate myself now too but that's besides the point." I felt the bed dip a little near where I was laying.

"Remember when you asked me a stupid ass question that started our friendship? Highschool, math class. You asked if you could borrow a pencil but you already had one in your hand." Cody laughed a little and sighed again. "I thought you were so dorky, and I mean you still are, when you did that. God, the blush on your face when you realized was adorable.

"We've been best friends since that. We've helped each other through our shitty breakups, talked to each other how bad or great the person was, did stupid shit together. You're like my little chick and I'm the mother hen. Or is the other way? No idea." I smiled to myself at that. So Cody wasn't pissed at me, that was a relief.

I could hear him sigh again. Why do people always sigh so much when talking about something important? He placed a hand on my back and I swear I could have felt my soul leave my body right then and there.

"Anyway, I should probably get going. It's kinda late and I still have to do some shit. I'll see you tomorrow." Cody leaned down and hugged me. Well, as best he could. I smiled a little to myself. He could have just left right then, but didn't. What a loser.

He brushed some hair away from my face and leaned down to whisper in my ear. "Also, I know you're not sleeping." I blushed and buried my face more into the pillow. How the fuck did he know that? He just chuckled and left, leaving me a blushing mess that feels like crap.

I just wanted to sleep all of this away. I'll have to remember to ask him what he meant tomorrow though.

I pulled the blankets over me and tried my best to sleep.

\-- 

Shit shit shit. The only open seat is next to him. Yesterday our professor didn't attend so we didn't have to choose our permanent seats but since he decided to come today and I was late, the only open seat is next to Cody.

No I don't hate him, it's the complete opposite actually, I'm just extremely awkward around him.

I took my seat after Mr. Urie's scolding and tried to ignore Cody. I know it sounds mean but it's the only way I won't completely ruin my chances with him. Although if I don't do it soon I might lose them anyways.

The teacher left us a worksheet and soon left the room. Yay leave me alone with a math sheet. What if I had questions you hecking dick muncher.

I looked over to Cody who was talking with one of his friends behind him. I took a deep breath. It was now or nothing.

"Hey do you have a pencil I could borrow?" Smooth Maxx. Real smooth. He turned and looked directly at my hand.

"But you have one right there." He chuckled and pointed to the number two pencil I've had in my hand the whole time that I now want to shove through my skull. Way to go.

"Oh yeah sorry..." It felt like my cheeks were on fire. I turned around quickly and stared at the sheet in front of me. Idiot. I finished answering my paper and turned it in.

I turned around in my seat to look at him again. He seemed to be stuck on something.

I leaned over and saw the question he was stuck on. I took a quick glance around to make sure Lightman wasn't here. Which he wasn't.

"Uh, need help?" I spoke up getting his attention. He looked up at me, smiled a little amd nodded. He seemed to be the kind of person to smile at everything.

"Yeah, that would be nice, thanks."

"Anytime." I moved closer and rested my arm on his chair so I could 'get a closer look' at what he was working on. "My name's Maxx by the way, we have a few classes together." He just nodded and worked on the rest of the problems, me helping him whenever.

I found myself glancing at his lips every now and then. They looked so kissable, I wanted to know what they would feel like on mine. Probably amazing. I've heard some of the stories about how great he was.

It was almost impossible to escape them. It was like everywhere you went there was always a group of girls saying something like "They're so soft", "Yeah, he gets a little carried away with it sometimes but it's great" or something along those lines.

I almost tripped over myself getting back to my seat when Mr. Urie came back into class. Thank god I didn't fall.

Mr. Urie took up all the papers, threw them on his desk and went on his usual tanget about whatever before the bell went off. I ignored him and smiled over at Cody. He looked so cute.

The bell went off and pulled me away from my little day dream about how much I wanted Cody to be mine. Of course he probably didn't 'swing that way'. I packed up my stuff and made my way out of the classroom. Next period was PE and Lunch after. I wish it was just lunch already because I was starving.

I felt a pair of arms wrap around my shoulders and heard Cody's little laugh. "PE next, what about you?"

"Same."

"Tempted to skip and just get food with some friends. Wanna come along?" I nodded and smiled to myself. "Sweet, let's go math wiz."

\--

I stretched and smiled a bit. Who knew that helping him solve a math problem could have led to being in a band with him for almost 10 years?

I rubbed some sleep from my eyes and grabbed my phone, smiling more when I saw I had a text from Cody.

'Dickgobbler 💕: Game day party at my place. Get there whenever Maxxi-poo, preferably soon because I need your master skills to help decorate it.'

He only really called me 'Maxxi-poo' whenever he really wanted something or just wanted to embarrass the fuck outta me. Which was all the time actually.

'To; Dickgobbler 💕: Yea, let me get dressed and feed Pistol. Might bring her if it's ok. Give me 30 at most. Wanna talk about last night too. See you there Cock sucker.'

Well, this is gonna be fun. Let's hope I can keep myself from crying in front of everyone.


	11. Life Of The Party

"Maxx is coming over early with Pistol, make sure her and the dog don't get in a fight." I fixed my hair and smiled over at Kota through the mirror. She was sitting on the bed, covered in almost all of our blankets, playing with Odie. It was pretty cute actually. Oh, and I guess Kota is nice to look at too.

She just nodded and threw one of his toys at me. What a bitch am I right? Making poor Odie go and get up from the nice and comfy bed to get a toy. I wouldn't get it if I were him.

"Do you have any reason why Maxx just stormed out yesterday? He looked like he wanted to curl and die more than I do then."

I just shrugged and threw Odie his toy. I doubt she wants to hear that she was the reason he ran out bawling and looked a depressed cute pink peep. I wonder how Maxx how is gonna take seeing her now? I just hope that he'll keep his cool tonight.

The doorbell rang which made Odie run down the stairs and bark at the door. What a loser, I love him. I rolled my eyes and followed him, almost falling over some more of his toys. I really should have gotten up earlier and made sure the place was clean.

Maxx was sat on the steps with Pistol on a bedazzled pink and purple collar and leash. She didn't look all too happy about it. "Oh, hey. Sorry if I'm too early, I can just leave if so."

"Nope, it's fine." I smiled down at Pistol again and closed the door behind Maxx. "How did you even get a c-Alien Princess on a leash? Did you bribe her that you would let her take over the world or what? Hell, I can't even get Odie on his leash sometimes."

He just chuckled and put her down. "Kind of. I promised her a treat every two hours and a trip to the pet store so she can pick out whatever kind of toys she wants. It was like bribing a mob boss not to kill you after you just saw him murder everyone in cold blood but worse because I can't speak Alien Princess."

It seemed like Maxx was feeling a lot better. Or at least a bit. He always made stupid little jokes and comparisons like that. It was one of my favorite things about him actually. That, and the amazing egg selfies. Who doesn't love them?

"Anyway, let's get this done because the sooner we do, the sooner we can gawk over Pistol and Odie or whatever you wanna do." I made my way into the kitchen and started handing him bowls, mixing spoons, and literally just about anything I thought that could be useful to make some food. I had no idea what the hell kind of snacks we were gonna have or what we were gonna decorate the place as. I honestly hadn't thought that far ahead.

Maxx started dumping chips in tiny bowls and telling me what to put where. It wasn't long until ew had a small section of chips and dips all set up on the table. One finger food down, more to go. Like, a lot more.

I leaned against the counter and watched him raid the entire kitchen, grabbing whatever he could hold in his arms without causing a huge mess, and going on and on about how I should have been more prepared than this. I mean, he was right. I really should have had some of the shit done before he got here, but I just got a bit sidetracked last night. And this morning.

He sounded like one of those wives that you see on some reality TV show that bitch at their man just because they got them an 11 pack on tampons instead of 12. Wait, do girls even get mad at that kind of thing? I mean, I should know since I am married and all that sweet shit but I've never seen Kota get upset over that.

Anyway, enough about that and back to Maxx bitching, in a not mean way but "Ugh, why do I bother" kind of way.

Maxx shoved some meats that he found in the fridge into my arms with a shit ton of other things that I didn't even know we had. "Go outside and grill these please and thanks. I'll go get the decorations from my car and keep working out here."

"Don't you wanna give me a kiss on the cheek and let me slap your ass like in the '50s movies?" He rolled his eyes and pushed me out of kitchen. "Yes dear, I love you too dear, I can't believe Karen did that either dear go beat her ass at the PTA meeting tomorrow." Maxx just gave me a look that said something like "Oh my god, shut the fuck up right now or I will shove that rack of ribs so far up your ass" way.

I didn't really feel like having anything shoved up my ass right now, so I just shut up and went to the backporch and looked around for the grill. Did we even have a grill? I mean, I knew that Vic had wanted to grill Tacos one time because they were "so much better this way dude, trust me on this one". Yeah, they weren't really that great mostly because he made a huge mess and we had to end up eating ramen that night.

The last time I remember seeing it was in the shed when it had started to rain really bad once. I'm not even sure if it stills works. Grills don't need to be plugged in right? Oh well, time to find out.

I set all the shit Maxx gave me down on one of the tables and went on my epic quest to the shed to look for the grill and everything needed to run it. I knew for sure we had lighter fuel since Kota always loved to set whatever she could find on fire. I should probably be worried about coming home one day and seeing the whole place burned down, but I wouldn't think about that anymore until later.

"Did you find it or do I have to do that too?" I looked up and saw Maxx leaning against the door with his arms full of streamers, paper plates, party cups and whatever else you could imagine a party needed and didn't need.

"Oh shut up, I can do it myself." I muttered and looked around for it. "Hey, while you're out here, do you think we could talk?" I swore I heard Maxx drop everything he was holding and whisper out an 'Oh no' to himself. Geeze, it wasn't like I was asking him about whether or not he had hot and wild sex dreams about me or if he wanted to join in a on a giant satanic orgy.

"Let me hang things up first please." His voice cracked at the end of that for some reason.

I shrugged and pulled the grill from the corner of the shed. "Yeah, sure. Whatever you want." I wanted to tell him that he didn't have to talk about it if he didn't want to, but this wasn't about what grade he received on his Highschool final. He had to talk about this sooner or later. And I really hoped sooner.

I grabbed all the shit he handed me and started to place them all out on the grill. I don't think you're supposed to put a bunch of different kinds of meat on all at once, but what the hell did I know?

It felt like forever before they were all done and actually plated. It felt like we spent so much time preparing that the day had just flown by. And it really had, because as soon as I put the last steak on a plate, the doorbell rung again and the sun was a lot lower than it was when Maxx got here. I guess I just really zoned out while trying not to burn everything.

I wiped my hands on the nearest towel I could find and walked into the living room to see that Maxx had set everything out and decorated. He had even gotten Pistol and Odie to get along. That must have taken a lot more bribing.

"Hey guys!" Nick walked through the door with Drac in one hand and a case of non-alcoholic Mike's Hard Lemonade in the other. "Look guys, I got some Lemonade without y'all knowing. Am I Beyoncé yet?" He just stared at the both of us and bust out laughing. "Get it because she released Lemonade without anyone knowing and I did too. Oh my god I'm so funny guys!"

I couldn't help but laugh at his crappy joke. I was really glad he came, it wouldn't be a party without him Snapchatting everything and making shitty puns that are so shitty they're actually funny.

"You can take the dogs outside and play with them, or start snapchatting everything. Take your pick, both are gonna be funny to see."

"Why not snapchat myself with the dogs and Pistol? Give the fans the best of both worlds am I right guys?" I rolled my eyes and handed Maxx the drinks. Since he was the one that knew where everything was gonna go, he could figure out where to put these. But I mean, he'd probably just put them in a cooler and I could have done that much.

It wasn't long until more and more people started to show up, and we really started to run out of room for everything that people were bringing. We were gonna have a lot of leftovers for the next week or so.

"Hey, you can go and take a break. You've done way more than enough already, Maxx." He just looked at me and shrugged. "I'll hold down the fort and make sure that everything goes fine while you're gone. Shouldn't be too hard, and if I fuck everything up feel free to punch me in the face." Maxx just giggled and went off somewhere.

~

The party had finally started and people were starting to find out about the booze. I mean, it was good that it was finally getting used but not that great since they would be wanting to get wasted out of their minds and had to drive home. I wanted to provide a good time, not a funeral or hospital bill. Part of it was because I couldn't afford to do that and the other was just because it wasn't right to let your guests leave hammered if they're driving.

It didn't mean I couldn't get wasted myself though. Afterall, it was my house and I didn't have to drive any where.

Nick grabbed my arm and pulled me into the kitchen. "Dude, the mac and cheese is fucking sick. You've got to tell me how you make it or else I'll end up here every time I want some. And that is a lot."

I just smiled and pointed towards Maxx. "He's the mastermind behind all of this. Without him, you'd all be sitting on the floor, drinking water, eating stale chips and staring at static on the TV screen." Nick patted me on the back and went to go and ask Maxx about his magic Mac and cheese.

I had to push past a few people to get to the beer. Who knew that all you needed to throw a good party was tons of beer? Everyone actually, I guess. But hey, that's the good thing about drunk people. You could sit them all in the middle of an almost empty room with a cat and they'd get so much joy out of seeing it play with whatever trash it could find lying around.

I mean, I'm the same way and that's without being drunk so I didn't really have any

I sighed and took a sip of the gross ass drink in my hands. I really don't get why people like this shit but at the same time I did. It was weird man.

I felt a tug on my shirt, and saw Kota looking like she was trying not to cry or pass out right there."Hey, can we talk? It's nothing like 'Just killed someone, need help hiding the body' bad but 'I feel like I'm gonna drown if I don't tell someone right now' bad."

"Yeah, what's the matter?" I frowned and followed her outside. She wasn't one to tell someone about a problem she had unless it was drastic. That, or she just really wanted some mac and cheese.

Before she could even open her mouth to so much as get out a breath, I felt someone place a hand on my shoulders and take the luke-warm beer from my hands. I mean, at least they were doing me a favor there but still.

An all too familiar little shit grinned at me and downed what was left of my drink. He looked like he hadn't changed or aged a bit since the last time we I had seen him. Which in person was a while ago, but not too long ago on twitter.

"Hey guys, long time no see!" Vic chuckled and wrapped his arms around both Kota and I just like he did whenever we went to get pizza. "It's like the whole gang is here again! We've got a party, booze, tacos, even a fire! This brings back some memories, huh?" I nodded and pulled away from him a bit. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy seeing him again, he just stunk like a wet dog.

Kota just muttered something under her breath and walked off. I swore it sounded like "I'm not drunk enough or this, I need a drink." Which is weird, considering she doesn't drink but oh well I guess. Vic shrugged and leaned against the fence, he went on and on about how he was lately and how they were working on new music.

It reminded me of when two exes accidentally bump into each other at the Starbucks and decide to have a little chat to catch up. Of course, neither or them actually want to talk to each other. They're just doing it see if the other ex is doing just as bad as they are. You know, just like the usual romance movie scenes where they end up fucking a week after?

But I wouldn't fuck Vic, that's for sure.

Maybe if I got enough money I would. Wait no, even than that would be cheating and that's shitty. But I mean, I'm sure Kota would do the same if it was for more than $5oo. Hell, I'd bang anyone right now if I got more than $5oo.

I think we even got on the topic of that. I have no idea how the fuck that happened, but it's chill I guess right?

It actually felt kinda good to catch up with him. I guess this was like the romance movies? Hell, I've never caught up with an ex before so how would I know?

"Anyway, tell me about your life? How's it been going with you two?" Vic downed another beer and made a face. "I should really eat something before I take another drink. Hey, you have tacos here right? Let's go get some." And with that, he dragged me into the house and ate almost all the damn tacos. How he doesn't weight a ton by now is a complete mystery.


	12. Rats

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (chapter with Rats lyrics bc I gotta get that word count)

_  
_ Kota's POV:

 _Well Mrs. Pharmacist, I insist. Fix me up with something quick_.

I tried my best to push past people without actually touching them and being seen. Parties with this many people always made me feel some kind of way. Not necessarily a good way either. More of a 'If I see one more person dry-humping someone, I'll down that bottle of medicine we got last month'  way.  I mean, I'm not sure you could overdose on Cherry cold medicine anyway, you'd probably just get sick.

 _I've been a bad little boy_.

I grabbed something from the fridge and made my way outside. It felt good to be away from everyone for a second, it felt hotter than hell in there. But it was probably because I was actually drinking something cold for once that made it seem so nice, but whatever.

_I think I'm getting sick._

I sighed and downed some of the drink I grabbed. It tasted way too sweet and fruity to actually get you buzzed out of your mind. Not that I wanted to be anyway, but with the way things were going lately, it'd sure as hell be nice to not remember anything for once. I looked down at it, of course Nick brought something that had almost no alcohol in it. He was too pure sometimes.

_Sick to the bone, slave to the flesh._

I looked down at my arms and traced little patterns on them. I hated feeling anything on my wrists, wearing bracelets was a personal hell of mine for a while. It was a nice distraction for a bit before my mind had started to wander to the darker places again. It was never anything too bad, just the occasional 'What could I use if I really wanted to die now?' every now and then. Nothing too drastic, you know?

_Better put on my Sunday's best._

Someone opened the door and came stumbling out, sounding as drunk as I wished to be. They would probably just end up passing out in their car for a few hours and wish they never drank that much. Either that, or they'd have to call someone to pick them up.

 _I've been a bad little boy, little boy_.

I walked inside and tried my hardest not to roll my eyes when I saw someone practically fucking in the stairwell. Why were people able to fuck in someone else's house during a party, but any other time it was a trashy thing to do? Oh well, I just hoped they did it outside or in their car because I sure as hell wasn't about to touch someone else's dick juice. I couldn't even look at yogurt without wanting to gag sometimes.

_I've got a dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty little secret._

I locked the bedroom door and threw the now empty bottle in the little bin next to the bed. Why we kept one there was kinda weird. Well, I mean it did come handy when you just had finished something and don't wanna get up to throw it away. There were so many crumpled papers in there that it wasn't even funny anymore.

_And I'm not, not, not sure that I, I wanna keep it._

There was only so much you could do while everyone was downstairs getting fucked out of their mind. I could either join them or go through old messages from people I didn't talk to anymore and try not to cry. The only problem with that would be the whole crying and rethinking everything in my life part. Other than that, it sounded better than having to socialize with people downstairs.

_So we feed ourselves lies to submit to the shadows,_

And I ended up going through old groupchat messages from years ago, and cringing at emo they were. I swore I ended every sentence with ' _XD_ ' even if it wasn't funny. Now I just end everything with ' _Rip_ ' or ' _Ooh_ '. There wasn't really much improvement there, but oh well.

_Cause we just wanna dance under our pretty perfect halos._

There was one conversation that was almost as old as Shrek memes. It even had Shrek jokes in it. It was pretty 2009-ish. I could feel the ' _XD_ ' coming back, and that wasn't something I'd wanna go back to.

 _Yeah, everyone's got a secret_.

It felt like ages since I had left everyone downstairs to eye-fuck each other. Surely they all should have gone home by now, or at least passed out in their cars. And if not, I would just start crying to get away. I mean it usually worked. 

_What's yours? What's yours?_

I sighed and locked my phone. I had to go down there sooner or later. Mostly because I was getting bored, but also to check on the dogs and make sure they hadn't shit everywhere. Always have to make sure they didn't shit everywhere when a bunch of people were around. 

_Don't be shy, I'll never repeat it._

The stairwell wasn't as crowded as last time, so that sure as hell was a good sign for me. I only had to push my way past people who thought they were drunk out in the living room. Not too bad since a shit ton of more people could have been here.

_Oh Mrs. Pharmacist, if I resist, lock me up and bind my wrists._

"Well there you are princess. I thought you'd been eaten by some monster." Cody threw one of his arms around my shoulders and pulled me in for a half assed hug. I mean, it was still a great hug but about as good as one armed hugs can get. "Lemonade drink, really? If you wanna get wasted, let's get you wasted on real shit baby girl." He kissed my cheek and pretty much dragged me outside to where the cooler was. So much for being out for a little bit.

_You've been a bad little girl, little girl._

He dug around in the cooler for something stronger than cool, off-brand beer from the gas station down the street. "You really don't have to, I'm good." He just rolled his eyes and handed me a bottle of Jack Daniels. How the hell did people not see that before and drink it all? 

_Close your eyes and listen close. I know just how much you love it._

I just shook my head and handed it back to him. I'd rather not burn my throat with that tonight, even if it was "smooth." How did you even get booze to not burn when it goes down? Why did people even waste their life savings on it to begin with?

_If you speak you lose your turn, so shut your mouth before I fuck it._

"Be that way then princess. You're missing out on some good shit." I nodded and sat in the weird ass swinging chair next to him. "So Vic and I caught up with each other while you were off doing god knows who. He said that the band is working on some new music already, planning some collabs. Asked if we wanna be in a music video they're working on. I haven't heard the song it's based off of, but he said the video shoot would be around next month." 

_I've got a dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty little secret._

I laid my head on his shoulder and shrugged. It would have been easier if they just hired some professionals for the video, but I guess it would be cheaper to use people he already knew. Their label was obviously going to do what ever they could to not spend as much money as necessary.

_And I'm not, not, not sure that I, I wanna keep it._

"Are we ever gonna talk about why Maxx was sobbing when you talked to him, or are we just going to pretend like that never happened either?" I felt Cody tense up a bit at that. It wasn't that serious, so why was he shutting his mouth for once? 

_So we feed ourselves lies to submit to the shadows._

"Saw a cat that looked like Pistol dead in the street. Reminded him that it could have been her if he didn't save her when he did. You know how Maxx is, wanting to help every animal he sees." I nodded and got up. "Where are you going?"

_Cause we just wanna dance under our pretty perfect halos._

"Almost everyone's left. Figure I'd let you clean up out here while I work on the inside. Sure you'll wanna talk to Maxx about whatever happened between you two, just don't try to make the poor boy cry again." I grabbed an empty bottle on one of the tables outside and walked backed inside.

_Everyone's got a secret, tell me all about yours._

There were only a few people still here, most of which were the boys and Syd. It wasn't that uncommon for them to stay the night after a party though, so it wasn't all that serious. Hell, Zach was already asleep in one of the chairs and Dan and Syd were asleep on the couch. 

_Love. Hate. Oh, how we play the game._

I turned off the TV and started to clean up all the empty bottles and dirty napkins everywhere. It could have been a lot worse though. I wasn't cleaning up puke or shit right now, so thank god for that. 

_Cold soul. No sense of self control._

It didn't take too long before I got the living room decently clean. By decently clean, I mean free of all the pizza boxes and other crap that was everywhere. The pain the ass would be having to make room for all the leftover food in the fridge. Why did people have to bring so much food to parties sometimes? I mean, I knew it was a curtesy to do it, but did they have to have it look like they were giving you everything in their own fridge?

_Love. Hate. Unsure to pass or play._

"Need any help?" Maxx was leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed across his chest. I shrugged and set aside the nearly over flowing trash bag to the side. Let's hope that didn't tear later. "We also have to talk. I don't know what Cody told you, but he said that you were asking why I left crying the other day. It wasn't anything too serious, I guess."

_Cold soul, now we're out of control._

"He said you saw some roadkill in the street." Maxx nodded and handed me an empty trash bag. "I mean, it's not even my place to have been asking. I was just worried it was something a lot worse. I'm sorry for bothering you two about it." He sighed and sat at the table, picking at a seam on his pink jumper. 

_Roses are red and my heart is black._

He didn't say anything, and neither did I really. There wasn't much to talk about anyway. What was I gonna say, " _Hey sorry that you saw a dead animal but how's your sex life?_ " I wouldn't be surprised if someone had actually said that before. 

_We creep about the floor to indulge like rats._

It took what felt like forever to finally have put everything away. That was probably because it felt more awkward than when your incredibly strict Christian mom walks in on you beating your meat to a Britney Spear's poster one of your friends got at some shitty dollar store. It wasn't even a hot poster of her, she was just sitting there and smiling at you like she knew your mom was gonna walk in at any moment but didn't tell you. What a bitch.

_Enraptured, we walk to nurse our obsession, cause the roles that we play are paved with cruel intentions._

Maxx cleared his throat and got up, looking as if he'd been up for a month straight. "I'm gonna go crash in the guest room. I'll go and tell the others if that's okay?"

 _Well Mrs. Pharmacist, if you insist_.

"Yeah, that's fine. Go ahead and make yourselves at home. Also, I can't thank you enough for coming over and helping set everything up. It's a small thing, I know, but it means the world. Thank you." He just shrugged it off and walked off to the living room.

_I've got a dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty little secret._

Now to take everything out without having the bags rip on me. Well hey, I guess you could say I was taking myself out. Cheers to more of my self deprecating jokes, always the top notch of humor.

_And I'm not, not, not sure that I, I wanna keep it._

I looked at the clock and groaned. It was only two in the morning but god, was I fucking exhausted. Oh well, I wouldn't have been able to sleep anyway if I tried to earlier. Better to stay up and do shit instead of just sit in bed and stare the ceiling for an hour or more, right?

_So we feed ourselves lies to submit to the shadows._

All that was left was to go through the house once more and make sure everything that needed to be off was off. Didn't want to leave something on and have everything else catch on fire. At least not again that is.

_And I just wanna shake you by your little perfect fucking halo._

I almost fell asleep as soon as I had laid on the bed. Hell, I probably would have fallen asleep anywhere if I could have honestly. Well, almost anywhere. Props to people that can fall asleep in chairs.

_Everyone's got a secret._

Cody came out of the bathroom looking like he just got into a fight he thought he'd be able to win, but obviously had lost. He still looked cute as fuck though, so it couldn't have been too bad of a fake loss. "I feel like shit." He whined and threw himself on the bed. "I need love. Either in the fucking way, or the cuddle way. Take your pick babe."

_What's yours?_

"Whichever is gonna make you feel better and fall asleep faster."

_What's yours?_

He smirked and pulled me to his chest. "Oh, I think you know which one."

 _Don't be shy, I'll never repeat it_.


	13. Make Happy

Maxx's POV: 

I shouldn't go to that party. It wasn't that I didn't want to go, I would take any chance I could get if it meant that I was near Cody. It's just isn't enjoyable when that bitch is there. But I can't do much about it, can I? Oh well. I'll just have to suffer for right now.

I sighed as I stood in front of my closet, going through the regular struggle of what I should wear. I mean, would it be hot out tonight? The forecast said it would be around 75 and kinda humid, but the TV said other wise. I'd just wear a T-shirt Cody had given to me as a gift, with some jacket. 

Hell, I could just stay in and binge watch The Office or Bo Burnham all night while crying. That sounded like a pretty solid plan if I were being honest. But Cody asked, and he'd probably be worried if I didn't go. Not sure why the fuck he'd care at this point, he had more things to worry about now. 

I looked down at my phone and scrolled through twitter. A bunch of people were asking for more prints, pictures of pistol, or if we had any new plans for an album already. The usual shit I see in my notifs. Some people were tagging me in their edits of Cody and I. 

It only made my heart hurt to know that even they wanted us to be together, but we wouldn't all because of that bitch. I hate her so much. I wish she would fucking choke so I could have what's mine. 

There wasn't much time left for me to sulk around in my onw self pity. I sighed and drug myself downstairs, seeing that everyone else was sitting on the couch waiting for me. 

"Hey, you going to Cody's party?" Zach asked, still looking down at the Harry Potter game he was playing. I just nodded and grabbed one of my jackets from the hook, and made my way outside. 

The cool night air felt amazing on face. Maybe it was because my face was so hot from crying, but I could have came in my jeans right then and there. Ok, maybe not right then and there but still. 

Syd patted my back and gave me a small smile of encouragement. "You can do it. If you want to leave at any point, tell me. I'll make some excuse so we both can go." She whispered just quiet enough so the guys couldn't hear. 

It was nice knowing that she would do that for me. I don't know if she was doing this because she felt sorry for me or she actually cared. Either way, I was going to take any kind of attention I could right now. 

We all piled into Dan's car and drove to Cody's house, thankfully there before everyone else was. "Hey, I just got a text that Nick and Geoff want to carpool, is it cool if we drop you off here for a sec?" I nodded and hopped out, grabbing the bag of party supplies I had slipped in here earlier. 

Great, now I'm going to be alone with someone that I want to be fucked by until I pass out and some bitch I was dead. Maybe not dead, that's too harsh and someone could pin it on me if she did. Just want her hurt really, really bad. 

I just hoped Cody was there with me whenever I was setting things up. 

I looked myself once over in the car window and knocked on the door. I could feel my heart speed up as if it were going against Usain Bolt himself. Is this gonna be how I die? Standing on their fucking doorstep with my arms full of party supplies? 

I swore I did die there for a second when I saw how good Cody looked. It felt like I was looking at an angel, or at least one of those "Retweet if you're not scared of having God on your timeline" memes. 

"Hey Maxx! Want me to take that for you?" He smiled and reached out a hand. I nodded and handed him the bag, feeling a small blush creep up on my face when out hands brushed. I could just hear the wedding bells going off and everyone cooing around us. 

Except, nobody was here to coo at us and he didn't even notice that our hands touched for half a second. I wanted to throw myself into his arms and spill how I felt to him. I wanted to tell him that I had loved him ever since I had laid eyes on him, that he was supposed to be with me.

I didn't want our friendship to end because of it though. It hurt enough knowing that I couldn't have him the way I wanted, but I still had him. How the fuck would I deal if I lost him for good? If I couldn't even call him up whenever I was sad? That I couldn't sound months upon months somewhat alone with him on the road? 

I clenched my jaw, followed him to the kitchen, and started to put things away. Pistol jumped up on the counter and watched us. "Put those chips there, next to the guac." I pointed to one end of the counter and grabbed one of the big chip bowls. 

It seemed like forever until we had made any kind of progress in setting everyone thing up. If people didn't like this party, they must be high. Hell, some of the people that were showing up tonight probably already were high. Some people just always look high. 

"Hey, I'm gonna go start setting stuff up outback. Mind finishing this up here and letting anyone in?" I hummed out a response, barely listening to him at this point. "Thanks Maxxy, I owe you a lot." I blushed and kept working. 

I got done a bit later and started to let people in. It didn't seem like that much time had passed since I got there and started to set up .I guess that was just because I was trying to busy myself as best I could. I usually let my mind wander whenever I did this kind of shit, but it didn't seem like the right kinda thing now. It would only give me a boner and make things more uncomfortable between Cody and I than they already are. Except he doesn't know that it's awkward, so that just makes it worse. 

It's like an onion of awkwardness. Just imagine a tiny onion that just gets bigger and bigger after anything happens. Yeah, that was how I was feeling. 

The night went by pretty fast. I remember standing and talking to people, not really taking in what they were saying, trying to keep my mind busy. I remember that I wanted to go outside with Cody to watch him grill and talk about the Eagles. He was so cute when he talked about them, or anything he loved really. His eyes would always light up and he seemed like a damn fat kid in a candy store. 

I grabbed some of the paper plates, plastic cups, and whatever else was left over and went out there. He was trying to turn it on, flicking every switch and pressing every button he could find. All but the one he needed of course. 

"Need some help with that?" I chuckled and propped myself against the screen door. 

"Oh shut up, I can do it myself." His little half laugh was one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. Well, I did get to him singing all the time so there was that. "Hey, while you're out here do you think we can talk?"

My heart pretty much stopped at that. Oh god, was he going to want to talk about my fit the other day? Did Syd tell him something? Did Kota make up some lie to try and get me away from him? What a fucking bitch if she did. Even if she didn't she was still a bitch.

"Let me put this first up please." I swallowed hard and walked past him, keeping my head down low. I didn't want to look at him in case he saw how heartbroken I must have looked. What excuse would I have now? I couldn't say that I was thinking of animals, he wouldn't believe. I just wished I could shrink down and hide down in between the blades of grass. 

I took as long as I could to avoid talking to him. I know that I was only hurting myself more and more by putting it off, but I'd rather live my life not knowing.

That's not at all true. I would end up crying over it every night. 

I glanced over at Cody just as he was wiping his hands and mentally thanked him for wanting to talk about it right now. He turned off the grill and went inside, probably to check to see if everything was going fine and nothing had blown up yet. I set down the last cup and followed him inside. 

"Hey guys!" Nick smiled and waved at us. Well, he tried to. It was hard to wave when you had a dog in one hand a 1 pack in the other. "I got some Lemonade without you guys knowing. Am I Beyoncé yet?" He stared dead straight at the both of us. I couldn't help but chuckle to myself. God, his jokes were stupid but they were hella funny sometimes. "Get it? Because she release Lemonade without anyone knowing and I did the same. God, I'm so funny guys!" He burst out laughing and set Drac down. 

Cody handed me the drinks and smiled at me. "Hey, you can go and take a break. You've done way more than enough already, Maxx. I'll hold down the fort and make sure that everything goes fine while you're gone. Shouldn't be too hard, and if I fuck everything up feel free to punch me in the face. I couldn't help but giggle at that. I just nodded and set the drinks down by a cooler and went off to my own thing. 

Not long after, Nick had come running up to me and started asking how I make Mac and cheese so good. Where did he get the idea that I had made it? I can't even make toast, how would I be able to make Mac and cheese?

"Spoiler, it's from KFC and I didn't really make it." He looked as if I had just told him that I was Satan. "Go ask them how they do it, cause I'm baffled on that too." 

Nick just patted me on the back and went off to do whatever the hell a Nick Major does. Snap everything, that's what Nick Major's do. 

~

I had to keep checking the time on my phone because it felt so much later that it really was. It was only one and almost everyone had left already. The day felt like it was dragging the fuck on. I just couldn't wait for it to be over. 

Syd had come up to be a it ago and said that she and the boys had planned on staying the night, but if I wanted to go she'd still make an excuse why. Bless her for that. 

I sighed and walked into the kitchen. I could really use a drink right about now. The night had gone pretty smooth now that I Think about it. I hadn't seen a single sign of her all night. But, of course my luck wasn't about to hold up anymore. 

I leaned against the kitchen door and watched as Kota was shoving empty boxes and bottles into a trash bag. "Need help?" I mentally cursed myself for ever asking. I'd spent my whole night trying to avoid her, and here I was offering to fucking help her. She shrugged and set the trash bag to the side.

"We also have to talk. I don't know what Cody told you, but he said that you were asking why I left crying."

"He said you saw some roadkill in the street." I nodded and handed her an empty trashbag. I don't know why the hell I was still standing here. "I mean, it's not even my place to have been asking. I was just worried it was something a lot worse. I'm sorry for bothering you two about it." I rolled my eyes and sat down on one of the stools nearest to me. 

I didn't say anything, and neither did she. Good for that, because I'm not sure I could handle hearing her talk for a second longer. I got bored of picking at seams on my sweater and started to actually help her. Why the fuck was I being so nice to her right now?

Oh yeah, if I was rude she would probably just off to Cody and make me seem like the bad guy. Not my fault she was so goddamn annoying and everything she did, I hated. Except Cody.

He was about the only thing she did that I couldn't hate. Everything else, I did though. 

I tied off the trashbag I had just gotten done filling and cleared my throat. "I'm gonna crash in the guest room. I'll go tell the others, if that's okay?" I don't know why I was asking her like she was the one who owned this house. Right, be nice to the bitch to get the dick. 

"Yeah, that's fine. Go ahead and make yourselves at home. Also, I can't thank you enough for coming over and helping set everything up. It's a small thing, I know, but it means the world. Thank you." I tried not to roll my eyes and walked off to the living room. How dare she have the decency to thank me for helping her? What a bitch, making it seem like I was a saint and had just done the best thing ever. 

God, I hate her. 

I looked down at the couch and saw that Dan and Syd were passed the fuck out on each other. They were so cute, it wasn't fair. And then there was Zach, snoring on the loveseat. 

What a loser. 

I pretty much had to drag myself into the guest bedroom. I was so exhausted, it wasn't even funny. I could say that I had no idea why, but it was probably because I had tried my hardest not to break down at all tonight. 

I almost wanted to make some excuse to have Cody in here with me, just so that I wouldn't be alone with my thoughts. But then he would want to start talking about why I was crying and acting weird all night. 

Hell, I would even deal with talking to Kota if it meant that I could keep myself busy. But, they were probably upstairs fucking each other right now so much for talking to either of them. 

I grabbed my phone and scrolled through Twitter. There were a bunch of people tagging me in screenshots of Nick's snaps, saying that they hoped I had a good time, or some other shit. I got bored of it after the first few scrolls and switched over to some app I had downloaded weeks ago. 

I don't even know why I downloaded it. 

It was about a damn Horse Prince. 

What the hell even was I thinking when I downloaded it. 

Oh well, it kept me busy until I couldn't stay awake anymore. 

I turned off my phone and curled up into a tiny ball, wrapping the covers tightly around me. Hopefully tomorrow was gonna be somewhat better than tonight. 

I hope.


	14. Safer To Hate Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Minor Warnings: Mentions of suicide, self harm, suicidal thoughts, "Graphic" depictions of self mutilation)

_**(Minor Warnings: Mentions of suicide, self harm, suicidal thoughts**_ , _**"Graphic" depictions of self mutilation)**_

**_Maxx's POV:_ **

I slammed back the drink in my hand and growled to myself. I couldn't fucking believe I had just fucked everything up. Everything I'd worked so hard to get was all thrown away because of a comment I made while upset and drunk.

Fuck them.

Fuck everyone.

People are shit and I want them all to die.

So much for enjoying this Fourth of July.

Might as well blow my brains out, not like anyone is gonna hear it with all the noise going on right now.

I'd be what the bitch wants to be. Hell, if she wants to die so bad why doesn't she just end it like that other fuck she was attached to the hip with? Because she wants attention from everyone. She just wants people to tell her that it's okay, even though life is never fucking okay. I hate her.

Ugh, they both annoyed me so goddamn much. I hated how they would just push themselves into the band's plans whenever they wanted. I was goddamn happy when it had become just one of them. I didn't think she'd last this long though.

I pushed past some people, grabbed another watery drink from the watery cooler, and chugged it. Someone had something along the lines of, "Hey Maxx, save some for us!" As if I'd want to fucking save some for you sorry asses.

Hell, I couldn't even believe that Cody hadn't found me to chew me a new ass. Mhm, if only he was eating my ass instead. That'd be nice. That'd be real nice right about right.

I felt completely numb. I'm not sure if it was because the alcohol was finally kicking in and my body was shutting down, or to prepare myself for the pain that's gonna be walking up at minute now. If only the pain was a hangover and not a shirtless blonde, with dazzling blue eyes and lips that I wanted everywhere on my body at the exact moment.

I'd give anything to take back what I had said. I'd give anything to just deal with being on the sideline, watching as the fucking love of my life carried on with some slut that he's only with for the one thing I don't have.

Two, but what the fuck ever.

God I hate her.

I ran a hand through my hair and snuck out past everyone to go the forest surrounding the lake. Not like anyone would miss me that much anyway.

I had only walked a few minutes in before my vision had started to go all blurry, causing me to fall flat on my face and bash my head against a rock sharper that Cody's eyebrows. Ugh, now is not the time to be thinking about him. I couldn't decide if I should stay there and hope someone would come along and think I was dead, or get up and go even deeper into the woods.

I didn't have enough energy to get up, but just the thought of Cody coming in here and finding me like this was enough to jolt me up and start looking for an abandoned tree house or something.

Anything would do.

Hell, I'd even take a ditch. I probably would have to actually.

It seemed like forever until I had found a treehouse. I probably passed a bunch on the way here, but I just so happened to look up at the right time. Guess one good thing did come from falling again.

There weren't stairs, but I wasn't new to climbing. I think we've all done that some point in our lifetime. Or have at least tried and busted something open. Maybe broken if you were really unlucky.

The treehouse wasn't too big, or even clean for the point. It had a bunch of loose leaves and sticks in it from when rainstorms had blown them in, a ripped up bean big, and the wood was chipped in some places. If i wasn't looking for a place to rest, I wouldn't have stayed.

But I mean, shelter is shelter. Especially when your head is gushing blood and you can't see straight. Not like I ever could see straight, but that's beside the point at the moment.

I threw myself down on the beanbag and sighed. My legs were sore from standing up all day and walking though this maze of a forest. My whole body felt numb and achy at the same point. I'm not sure how you can manage to not feel a thing and manage to feel a thing all at the same time but I was.

Guess there's a first for everything.

A groan escaped my lips as a I laid back farther on the ripped up chair thing. I was so tired, all I wanted to do was just pass the fuck out and wake up in my bed with a cute note from Cody on the bedside table was something like how much he loved me.

But of course, my life couldn't work that fucking way and I had to be stuck in a run down tree house trying not to sob my heart out and then jump off the Jersey Turn Pike. I'm not even sure if that would kill me or how I'd get there. Could always fall asleep in the river, but that'd be too painful.

As If killing yourself isn't painful enough as is. There was no good way to die unless you were passed the fuck out and then someone came and did it for you. But even then, that wasn't a good way.

A wave of exhaustion washed over me and I sunk even deeper into the beanbag. I just wanted to nap. I mean, what's the worst that could happen to me? I die? Big fucking deal. They'd be doing me a favor anyway.

I sighed and closed my eyes. I guess I was either a lightweight or just had way more than I knew because I fell asleep almost as soon as my eyes closed.

_**~** _

_Everyone looked at me as If I had just murdered someone. I'm not sure why the hell they were looking at me like that. Was there some popular killer like Jason right behind me and everyone was shocked? I hadn't done anything wrong._

_Their stares felt like a million razor blades cutting me open, their stillness the hand was squeezing a lemon, and their words the juice dripping in the millions of shallow cuts on my once porcelain skin. My blood ran cold, heart coming a complete stop, even my brain had went blank._

_I tried to force out something to say. I tried to make my mouth open and the words, any words, come out. But I couldn't. Why couldn't I speak?_

_My throat felt constricted, almost like someone had snuck a starving boa constrictor on me and it was getting ready to have me for its dinner. My lungs felt like they were collapsing in on themselves. It felt like the Earth were trying to pull me into it's core, trying to free me from the awful crime I had committed._

_What crime had I committed though?_

_I tried to rack my brain for anything that could even help indicate why they were starring daggers into me. I tried to force myself to come up with any kind of memory, good or bad. It felt like all the gears that had once made my mind work and focus were now rusted over and locked up, never to be used again._

_What little breathes I could get out came out rushed and forced. I felt nothing and everything._

_I felt the bliss of nothing at all, and the pain of everything at all._

_The bliss of laying on a soft cloud, without a care in the world and the pain of laying on a bed of lava and knowing that everyone hates even the mere mention of you._

_The bliss of not being a cold blooded killer, and the pain of knowing that an innocent someone's blood was stained on your hands._

_My head slowly moved downward to look at my hands, almost on it's own. It felt like I wasn't in control anymore._

_Just a few moments ago, I couldn't force myself to move and now it was moving on it's accord._

_My hands were covered in a deep, dark crimson. My nails were blackened over, with little bits of something under them. My gaze shifted down to my arms, which had chunks of flesh missing from them, veins and bone showing all too clearly._

_MY hear sunk at the sight and thousands of tiny goosebumps rose up over my skin. I could see them appearing, as if in slow motion. I watched the thousands of tiny hairs on whatever skin was left on my arms rise up. This wasn't right._

_None of this was right._

_My gut churned as my gaze moved up once again to my hands. My first was clenched around something small and sharp. The coldness pierced my skin, almost as much as the edges were. My hand opened up to reveal a tiny knife was piercing my skin. It seemed as if it was moving on it's own, carving words into my flesh._

_I couldn't make them out._

_As soon as it got done carving a letter, it would be covered in blood. I have never seen so much blood in my life._

_My eyes felt like they were being set ablaze, my heart felt as if it were being torn apart right in front of me. I couldn't bring myself to watch the knife cut it's way deeper and deeper into my hands. I couldn't watch it slowly pry off everyone of my fingernails then rip off the small veins that came with it. I couldn't watch it anymore._

_I felt like throwing up my entire intestines right there in front of all of those faceless statues._

_I fell to the floor, gasping for air. My blood rushed through my veins, feeling like pure fire, and out of my arms only to drench the ground in more of my blood. My heart hammered inside the cage of fragile bones around it, my head felt like someone had just bashed it against every surface imaginable._

_I gagged and retched, pushed my stumps of fingers down my throat to get something to come out. I was in so much pain._

_I wanted to scream my throat out then claw my vocal chords out. I wanted to pry my eyes out with a small and rusty spoon. I wanted to tear at my gut until my insides popped out like a Jack finally springing from it's box._

_I looked up at the faces around me, hoping for one of them to come forward and tell me what I had done wrong to deserve all of this pain. I wanted someone to come forward and help me. I wanted someone to be my light in all of this darkness._

_But they weren't coming._

_Nobody was._

_I didn't deserve a saving grace._

_I didn't deserve to have a pulse. I didn't deserve to be breathing. There are so many other people who should be in my place, alive and breathing, but aren't. Was I even alive at this point?_

_Their faces were blurry for couple of seconds before melting into nothingness. Their once welcoming eyes turned into gaping black holes, their skins melted from their bones and sagged as if they were rotting away for weeks. Their friendly smiles had turned into evil grins, showing me rows and rows of crooked razor sharp teeth just waiting to tear into me._

_I'm not sure what hurt worse._

_Seeing the people I thought cared about me turn into hideous monsters come to end me, or knowing that they were probably just doing this for fun. That they were going to stich me up as basic as possible and then send me on my merry way to act like nothing had happened. Leave me in a cold sweat every night, scared to be alone yet scared to be around anyone in case they were one of Them. Scared to close my eyes even for a second._

_Everything was slowly fading in and out until there was nothing._

_No one to stare at me like a starving animal looks at a piece of meat. No one to rip my flesh off, bit by tiny bit._

_Just me and the silence._

_Just me and the blackness._

_Just me and Nothingness._

_Just me and my thoughts._

_I felt peaceful. I felt serene. I looked down at my arms and saw they were covered in blood soaked bandages, but seeming to have been never touched at all. There was no knife in my hands, no scars to prove there ever were. My nails were still as there as I was Here._

_Was I even really here though?_

_My mind ran black once again. But it felt peaceful this time. I wasn't worried. I felt at home._

_I just sat there, breathing. Not thinking. Not moving. Hardly blinking. Just breathing._

_I cast one more glance down at my hands._

_I could finally seeing what words the knife had carved out._

_To anyone else it wouldn't be that big of a deal, they'd get over it sooner._

_I ran a shaky hand over the scars, reading and re-reading them over and over again in my head._

**_"I love you."_ **

**_"I don't. I hate you."_ **

_Tears stung at my eyes as I read them over, fully realizing what they meant. I curled up into myself and sobbed myself out until I couldn't feel anything again. My throat should have been screaming at me every time I swallowed. My eyes should have stung every time I blinked._

_But even then they didn't. The nothingness had taken away almost every sense of being and feeling I had had. Which wasn't much, but I relied on that to keep me alive._

_I sat there for what seemed like eons, just trying to feel something. Just trying to remember anything._

_A soft voice was followed by a soft light, which should have blinded me due to being in somewhat complete darkness for ages. It felt welcoming._

_After everything I had just gone through, it was nice to feel and see something welcoming for once._

_I couldn't make out the voice or see what the light was coming from before it engulfed me._

**_~_ **

I woke up in a cold sweat and immediately ran my hands over my forearms. When I didn't feel anything, I let out a breath I had known I was holding. I must've been asleep for only a few minutes because the sky still looked the same as it did when I crashed.

The time on my phone was only showing ten minutes since I had left the party in the first place. Time sure does fly.

I didn't want to stay here any longer, so I jumped out of the tree house and slumped back. I just hoped nobody had noticed I was gone and wanted to know where I went.

The music was still playing just as loud as it was when I had left, and people were still dancing horribly. Nobody seemed to noticed my absence.

I walked around everyone with my head down, and sat on the nearest truck's tail gate.

Bad mistake.

"Is that blood on your face? What happened?" Kota whispered out. She actually seemed concerned about my well being. What a shocker. And a bitch. "Come on, there's a first aid kit in the glove box." She put a hand on my back and guided me to the cab of the truck and pulled out the first aid kit.

I didn't expect her to be civil towards me, especially after everything I had just done. I wanted to ask her why she was being nice, why she was sitting here and helping me, why she didn't just rat out what I had done to everyone here right now.

I opened my mouth but she beat me to it. "It's going to sting a little. I can let you clean the cut yourself if you want." She handed me a small pad of cloth with peroxide on it. "I'll still put the bandage on. I'll make it small enough so no one can see it from behind your bangs. I just nodded and wiped the blood off. It was blacked and caked over. How long had I really been out there?

We just sat there for a bit. Why was it so nice to be sitting in silence with the person I hated? I guess it was because neither of us spoke or bothered to ask the other what was wrong incase we one of us said the wrong thing and told Cody. I wanted to hate her in this moment. I really did.

I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Why couldn't I bring myself to hate her right now? What the hell was wrong with me?

"I'm sorry about what I said. I didn't mean it. I was drunk, and I am so goddamn sorry that even sli-"

She cut me off and smiled sadly. "It's fine, I don't expect everyone to like everyone. I just still want you to know that if you ever need something and no one else is there to help, you can ask me. Or don't, do what you wanna man, I'm not your parents."

I smiled a little and nodded. I just wanted to pass out again. But of course the fireworks had to go off right there and then. Damn life not letting me sleep.

"You know, all I wanted today was the three F's. Fun, Friends, Fireworks and Food.. Instead I got Fucked up, Fucking depressed, Fucking Nobody, and Fucking Starving." She just nodded.

"That's Four, but I get your point. It was quite some Fourth of July, huh?"


	15. Easier To Run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ORIGINAL WATTPAD A/N: (Made by LarissaMartin so go show them so love pls and thank. Also the next few chapters are gonna be up to y'all so choose wisely ;))

I ran a hand through my hair and sighed. I couldn't find Maxx anywhere. I don't know what had set him off, but I was talking to him on minute and he was running off somewhere the next. Did I say something wrong? Did he see something that upset him?

I wanted to go after him, hold him in my arms, and find out what was the matter with him. I wanted to tell him that everything would be okay and he could always talk to me if something was bothering him. I wanted him to know that he was gonna be fine.

So why didn't I chase after him?

Why did I just stand there and watch him? Who knows what he's gonna do out there. If he gets hurts, it's all my fault. It's my fault for not chasing after him to make sure he's okay.

I couldn't live with myself if something happened to him. I had to make sure he was okay and wasn't going to do anything stupid, but I couldn't move. I could hardly think of anything else other than him. I tried to force myself to move, to tell someone else to go find him, to do anything.

I just stood there or what felt like hours starring at the small opening of trees that he ran into, just hoping that he'd come out any second now and tell me that it was just a prank. That he wasn't actually upset, that I hadn't done anything wrong.

But he didn't. Why didn't he come out of there? Had he fallen on something? Did he trip on a rock and bash his head against a rocky bank and was swept away by the river? What if he was drowning right now and it was my fault?

Just the thought of him getting so much as a scratch on him was enough to make me sad. I don't know what I'd do if he was actually gone. I can't handle losing him. I'd spent so much time with him, he was like my own brother.

I looked around at everyone else to see if they had noticed him running off. Everyone just went about their life, drinking beer and laughing at some stupid joke someone had said.

Why weren't they concerned? Did they really not care about Maxx? Was all of their concern just a big fat fucking lie?

I balled my hands into fists and let a low growl. How the hell can they act like everything was fine when it wasn't? Maxx was out there, wherever he was. He could be dead for all I know!

I forced myself to move. I couldn't just stand here and go about my merry day. It wouldn't be fair to him.

I made my way through the small clusters of people. Someone must have known what set him off.

It didn't take took long before I found Kota sitting under some tree and looking like someone just told her that her dog died. I just rolled my eyes and stood in front of her. Now wasn't time for her over dramatic behavior.

"Maxx just ran off. Did you say something to upset him?" She just looked at me and shrugged. "Just answer the question. Did you, or at least did you see, someone upset him?"

She crossed her arms and sat up. "If you're so worried about who upset him, why don't you go ask him." Wow, way to be helpful and totally answer a question. "Not like you'd believe what happened anyway." Kota muttered and brushed past me, obviously trying to end the conversation.

"Can you not act like something didn't happen for once?! That's all you do! Shit happens and you avoid it like some child." Kota turned around and glared at me, seeing if I was done or not. "Just grow the hell up for once!"

She didn't say anything or really do anything other than just stand there. Of course she didn't.

"No wonder you think everyone hates you, because they fucking do! Get the hell over yourself for once! Not everything has to be about you. Other people have problems. You're not the only damn person that's lost someone." I don't know where all this pent up anger was coming from. It's not like I was bottling things up to begin with.

Thankfully nobody had noticed my outburst, I'm not to sure how I'd explain that to them. Hey, I'm pissed about my best friend running off so I'm taking it out on someone who probably didn't do anything wrong, go back to your party! Yeah, that wouldn't make me seem like scum and have everyone hate me.

I just pushed past Kota and grabbed the nearest beer, chugging it faster than Usain Bolt could run. I just wanted to get so shit faced that I didn't even remember tonight or what was said.

Maxx's POV:

As she sat up and started to enjoy the fireworks, Easier to Run by Linkin Park started to play.

I laid back onto the bed of the truck and let the words seep in.

"If I could change I would

Take back the pain I would

Retrace every wrong move that I made I would

If I could

Stand up and take the blame I would

If I could take all the shame to the grave I would"

These words are what I'm feeling right now.

I would love to take back the hurtful words I had said, lock them up and throw away the key. If only she knew the blame I truly felt inside.

I was almost completely lost in Chester's voice, when I was snapped back into reality by Kota's screaming.

Cody had accidentally spilled his beer on her.

Next thing I knew, he was on the ground and my knuckles were bloodied


	16. Why?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> srry for the country song, 2017 was a dark time

_**(Strongly recommend listening to[the song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5EXGJKxi_PU) while reading)** _

\--

"The girl hadn't spoken since her twin had gone. Even though they were never biologically related, they had a bond that nobody around them could understand. It wasn't until recently she had started to talk again. They had said she'd be fine, but any kind of trauma could have reset the progress we've made  quite a while. It was better to be careful than to go back to what you're trying to fix during that time frame." Someone muttered over me. What did they mean? What the hell was going on? "However, something like this is not going to make her run off after all the progression we have made though."

I tried to open my eyes to see who the voice belonged to, I had so many questions to ask them. Who were they talking about, who were they, where was I? What's even happening to me? My eyelids felt like they weighed tons. The only time they've felt that way was when I was hungover, but even then it wasn't like this.

I've never felt this way.

"She's been missing since Friday, and you're not even worried? What kind of half assed officers are you!" A voice on the other side of me cried out. It sounded hoarse and raw, as if the owner of it were crying just before I unknowingly started to ease drop on the conversation.

The other voice sighed and gripped something near me, I assumed a bed sheet, and spoke with a forced sense of assurance. "We'll find her and bring her back home, I promise. As of now, you have got to leave this hospital room or else I will _make_ you." Hospital? Wait, what when did I get to a hospital?

I had become acutely award of the faint beeping, papers shuffling and IV jammed in my arm. Oh god, that meant there was a needle in me. I didn't want there to be a needle in me. Oh god, I had to wake up and get it out right now. I was fine and didn't deserve to be here, I didn't deserve to be somewhere with sick and dying people when I wasn't sick or dying myself.

It wasn't fair.

The, what I assumed, officer left and their footsteps echoed faintly throughout the room. I could still feel the other person was in here with me. They sat down on the bed next to me and grabbed my hand, being gentle enough to not move it. I guess they weren't sure how sore my arm would be. How sweet of them.

"I'm sorry this happened. I'm sorry she's gone. I'm sorry you're here. This is all because of me, and I'm sorry." They sniffled and pulled their hand away. It felt empty without them holding my hand. I wanted them to hug me, tell me everything was going to be okay. I wanted to be in their arms.

But they just got up and left, leaving me to stare at the back of my eyelids until everything slowly faded away.

**_~_ **

A note was taped to the middle of one of the phone books in the nightstand. I wanted to say it wasn't there before, but who the fuck checks the hospital phone books unless they desperately have to? Nobody does.

It didn't look like it had been there long, but the ink did look smudged and worn out. It couldn't have been here longer than a few weeks, that's for sure.

I took one quick glance around the room to make sure nobody had walked in while I wasn't paying attention and stumbled over to the door to close it, putting the "changing" sign up. Not that the doctors would care anyway, especially if the door was closed for an extended amount of time.

Leaning back on the bed, I carefully opened the letter and did a quick scan over it to see if there was a name attached at the bottom. I could've told who it was from just by the handwriting, but I had wanted some kind of reassurance.

" _I'm sorry._

" _If you've gotten this, I'm sorry. I never meant for you to find it or even know it existed. This was supposed to be my own personal letter. There's a few things I want to get off my chest and again, I'm sorry if we've already gone over_ _them. I can't tell the future, or else I wouldn't be writing this. Or maybe I would. I don't know."_

If you could see the future, you would have known how to prevent this from happening.

" _And nothing is for certain, that's the only thing I know, but I'm certain that it's time for me to go. It's nothing personal, it simply hurts to know that I will be alone_."

But you weren't.

" _I didn't mean to come between the both of you. I never once meant to break your relationship up, I didn't want to make you upset. It was never my intention to hurt either of you._

" _You've made me nothing but happy these last few years, more so than you'll ever know. You've made me feel like everything was going to be fine, even when I thought it wouldn't. You've made me feel like the world wasn't as terrible as I thought."_

Because it isn't.

" _And for those years, I really did believe it was going to be okay. I really believed life would be great again. I really believed I could be fully happy again._

" _And I was for a bit._

" _Until everything came crashing down again. Until everything about us didn't work anymore. I'm not blaming you, please never think that. I'm blaming myself for letting myself get so attached and hurt. I'm blaming myself for letting you, unknowingly, become my whole world."_

Hard to not blame myself now when you tell me not to.

" _I can't stand to say this to your face for fear that I'll end up a sobbing mess in front of you. You've seen me cry enough already. I couldn't handle seeing your face crumble as I told all of this to you."_

We could have worked it out if you did.

" _I know this is a cowardly way to do things. I know this is a cowardly way out of everything. I'm sorry for that."_

You could have talked to me.

" _I hope you understand why I'm doing this. I hope you forgive me, yet I understand if you don't. Hell, I wouldn't forgive me either if I were in your shoes."_

Then why did you do it?

" _But I'm not, so I can't choose for you._

" _I love you. I always have, and always will, I'm sure of that. I don't want you to be sad over me. I want you to get over this quickly and move on."_

It's hard to get over this when you didn't let me know how you were feeling.

" _I_ _want you to be happy. Could you really be happy here with me? Could you really enjoy life with me in it? Do you think any of this would have worked out in the end?"_

It could have if you _talked_   to me.

" _I want to believe that this will never see the light of day. I want to believe that all of our problems are going to melt away into nothingness and that we'll be okay again. I so desperately want things to go back to how they were before."_

You should of told me!

" _Can they?_

" _Can they go back to how they were before? Can we start over and forget all of this happened? Can you forgive me for everything, if I do the same for you?_

" _Can we make this work again?"_

They could've. But you didn't want them to.

" _I'm not sure we can. You deserve better than me. You deserve to live your life to the fullest. I wish you the best with that."_

I can't.

" _I love you. I love you and I hate that. I love everything about you and I don't want to. I love your laugh, smile, stupid dad jokes, everything. It would make it so much easier to do this if I didn't."_

Why? If it was so hard, why couldn't you tell me? We were promised to tell each other if something was bothering us. Why did you break our promise?

" _P_ _lease don't waste tears on me. Don't waste them on someone who's already been dead for a long time. Forgive and forget about me."_

It's too late for that. My shirt was already damp.

" _I have so much left to ask. Some of which I don't want to know the answers to. I'm afraid to hear them."_

You could have asked them if you just waited a little bit longer.

" _But I'll leave you with this,_

" _I'm sorry you wasted time on me. I'll never forget it. Thank you for mending a broken heart. Thank you for fixing me."_

It wasn't a waste. I loved the time we spent together.

" _I'm sorry I couldn't do the same for you. I hope you'll find someone that mends your heart the way you did mine."_

But you did.

" _I wish you the best._

" _Goodbye_."

I don't want to say goodbye just yet.

" _With Sincerity,_ "

I tried my hardest to make out the name at the bottom but it had been smudged, as if whoever was writing it was crying during and didn't notice.

I wiped my face and flipped the letter over to find there had been quite a few things crossed out. I moved the letter closer to my face and squinted, trying my hardest to make out what any of them said before. One in particular had stuck out to me, causing my heart to sink even more than it had reading the letter.

_"D̶i̶d̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶a̶n̶ ̶a̶f̶f̶a̶i̶r̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶h̶e̶l̶p̶ ̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶m̶a̶r̶r̶i̶a̶g̶e̶?̶ "_

_"Can we pretend our hope has died, but our love's not dead?"_

Everything around me came to a jarring halt. It felt as if millions of tiny little pins were being jammed into my skin. I could feel them poking through layer after layer.

The phone book fell to the floor with a loud thud, the letter fluttering along with it. The last thing I remember vividly was the door opening and a small group of people rushing in.

Voices became muffled as something sharp was shoved into my neck.

"Are you sure that's what you saw?"

"Should we move him to higher security?"

"Schedule a mental evaluation."

I didn't need a mental evaluation! I just needed to get out of here already!

This wasn't fair.

None of this was fair.

I struggled to get away from everyone. I just wanted to be back home already.

This couldn't be more than all a bad dream and I was going to wake up any moment.

**_~_ **

I kept nodding in and out of consciousness, only growing more tired. I had no idea where I was. All I could hear were people muttering about me. Or at least I think it's about me?

Someone poked my side with the end of their pen and spoke to someone next to them.

"Not well."

Their footsteps retreated as my heart slowed down and the world faded away once again.

**_~_ **

There was screaming. Or hysterical crying. I couldn't tell which, but I could tell whoever it was was distressed.

"I'm not sugarcoating this. They're dead. We did eveything we could. The best professionals even flew out to help them. It's not worth it to help someone that's been dead for a while."

Footsteps grew closer to where I was lying. Did they mean me? It couldn't be me. I was still alive.

I didn't feel it though. "All of our resources are running into a lost cause." Someone grabbed my hand and pulled something out. "The funeral will be soon."

A small clank of metal hitting metal and the footsteps resided again. "You better clean up. You'll be having counseling soon." The door closed with a heavy thud.

I don't know how long I laid there listening to the dejected crying before they sat next to me. "I'm sorry," They sniffled and kissed me lightly on the forehead. "I love you."

And with that, they got up and sulked out of the room, leaving me to what seemed liked eternal darkness.

 


	17. Between The Roses (Original end)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the product of not having any idea of how to end a story (and being emotionally checked out with it) so enjoy this and the carbon copy next chapter!

**_(Pls listen to[the song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJP426BNPI4) while reading if you can k thnx)_ **

**_EDIT: finally went back and fixed up some spelling mistakes and added a little more context to things.  
_ **

They let me go early. I'm not sure why they bothered to even keep me. I mean, it wasn't like I was on the verge of death at any point. They just kept mumbling a bunch of shit while they thought I wasn't listening and gave me way too many pills with names that I can only dream of pronouncing correctly.

I had wanted to ask them who they meant went missing, but every time I brought it up they just brushed me off. I even tried getting ahold of the boys, but they always said it wasn't anything important. Or at least that's what their faces said.

I sighed and opened the front door to the house. It felt odd in here now. Like something was wrong. Or missing. It had the feeling of when you walk into a place you're not supposed to be at. As if a certain kind of uncertainty filled the air.

Dropping my keys on the nearby hook, I grabbed all the mail that been stacked up in a pile and sat down on the couch. We've never gotten this much mail before which was odd. Even if it was mostly just spam, we never had a big pile.

I just figured that one of the guys must've signed up for something and had it sent here instead.

The calmness was killing me, so I fished around for the remote and let the TV on the whatever channel it flipped to. It was the same thing as always. Weather, troubles with North Korea and how we're on the verge of a third World War, and to the scores of whatever games were on last night.

It seemed like that was all the world was now.

Rapidly increasing heat, something about Trump and his goons, missing people, sports and repeat.

I always wanted to believe that they just recycled the same news story and the world wasn't actually as bad as they made it out be. What an idiot I am for thinking that. I should've figured by now that we were just going farther and farther down a rabbit hole we never should know existed.

We're just puppets in a master less world, left to protect ourselves from beasts we cannot see. We see each other as the beast we're meant to protect ourselves from, while the actual Monsters sit atop their thrones and laugh at us. They're always taking pride in the chaos and madness they've created, while the rest of us kill ourselves trying to figure out what to do.

It was painful to realize that this was the world we're forced to live in. It hurt, but it was our inescapable reality.

I'd gotten through most of the mail quickly, separating it into "Junk", "Bills", and "Letters" piles. Surprisingly enough, there wasn't that much Junk mail whereas the letter pile was overflowing. What the fuck happened that caused for there to be this many letters? I mean, our address didn't get leaked that was for sure. Unless one of the boys decided to check on the P.O. box and dumped it all here, I had no idea.

The first few I opened had all said something among the same lines with some rambles thrown in to make it seem more heartfelt.

"We're sorry for your loss."

I frowned and flicked through the letters hoping to find some explanation until a small, handwritten envelope caught my attention. Small bumps rose on my skin as my heart began to thump rapidly and my hands began to shake as I went to open it.

I had completely droned out the TV by this point and nearly shit myself when I heard the breaking news sound. "We're here to interrupt your scheduled programming with what we believe is an update to a missing person's case. Police have just found a body found dumped behind dumpster at a local supermarket. They are unable to determine the exact cause of death as of now, but it looks like it may be a possible suicide. A note was found taped to their body and multiple pills and needles were found littered around the body, we are unsure if those were there already but coroners are hard at work." A blonde woman with fake pearls on her neck gave the camera a dead pan stare and shuffled the papers on the desk in front of her. "We have a live interview with what appears to be an eyewitness. Albert, we're turning this over to you."

A middle aged white man nodded at the camera and fiddled with the mic in his hand. He looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there. And who could blame him anyway?

"Thank you, Sandra. Even though the news has just broken there's already many theories about how she died circulating around. Some are saying that a due to a note being left behind it pointed to suicide, while so-called fans and close friends are currently saying they knew something like that would never happen. A recount from someone claiming to be their best friend, reads as following:

' _I knew her better than anyone. We were practically twins with how much we shared with each other. I knew she felt terrible and wanted to die sometimes, but she would never go through with it. She always had some kind of way to cope with it. She wrote that note ages ago when she was down. It's how she copped._

 _'She was more than happy whenever we talked and she was getting better with herself. She was murdered and anyone that knew her would know it._ '" The newscaster cleared his throat and clenched the papers in his other hand tighter, looking mildly uncomfortable talking about someone that killed themselves. I understood it kind of. Nobody wants to talk about death, and nobody really wants to talk about it when it's a suicide.

"As for the eyewitness, they've kindly asked to not have their identity known so we have pitched their voice and not shown their face."

I reached for my phone on the table and tried to call the rest of the band not wanting to hear anymore whatever was going on. Of course, none of them answered, so I had to resort to sending them a text to reply ASAP. I was tired of not getting the answers I needed and wanted. It wasn't fair to just keep me in the dark about something as big as this. Sure, it could have been some coincidence with the news report but this all seemed so...off.

Zach was the first to reply, almost as soon as I had sent it. His message wasn't long or even asking much on why I was freaking out so much. Just a simple "you ok bud?"

Sydney had replied a few moments later, her message was asking if everything was alright and that I should just come over if it was incredibly urgent. I played it over in my head. It did seem like a much better idea to just go over to their house and talk this out with all of them instead of over the phone. At least I could know if they were hiding anything if they shared any knowing looks.

I grabbed the pile of letters from off the table and made my way out to the car. If I was going to get answers, I guess I had to face some confrontation.

Before I knew it, I was already at their house, box of letters in hand and my dread in my heart. I probably should have geared myself up for this, but I didn't want to just run off now. Not when the answers were brushing my fingertips and all I had to do was grasp them tight.

I didn't have to knock on the door as Syd flung it open and engulfed me in a tight hug. I almost broke down right there with how comforting it felt. I felt like everything that was wrong in the world melted away and I was here just to chat with everyone over drinks and watching whatever was on TV.

It felt like home. I felt safe for once in a long time.

But of course, good things can never last for me, can they?

I sat down in the chair nearest me and emptied the letters onto the dining room table. A few ended up flying off the table and landed on the ground. I didn't bother to pick them up. At least not yet.

Dan picked up the letters and sat across from me, a small look of worry across his face. "What's all this, Cody?" I rolled my eyes and started tearing open letters.

"Why the hell do they all say they're 'sorry for my loss' and why do you and the doctors and ever the fucking police officers keep avoiding me whenever I ask them who went missing! I'm sick of not knowing!" I tore open a letter with my teeth and glared at Dan.

"I was just in the hospital for three weeks due to being knocked out, and another two for something else. Hell, it could've been longer with as much time as I can't remember.

"I've had my every move watched by doctors who would scribble away furiously whenever I did something. I'm on literally ten different medications that I don't even know what they're for! I had to go group meetings for people with mental problems for no goddamn reason! I was even told I'd probably have to go to a fucking institution for crazy people and you can't even tell me what the hell is going on in the world!" I slammed the letter down and clenched my jaw, trying not to get angrier than I already was.

Everyone just stared at me in shock, as if they weren't expecting that from me. It was almost as if they were expecting me to ask where the recycling bin was to throw all the paper away and then say we should catch a movie.

Nobody said anything for a while.

Or really moved that much.

It was dead silent again. I was tired of being left in silence lately. It wasn't fair.

"And why isn't Maxx replying to my messages?" I frowned and checked my phone, hoping that he'd so much as seen my message.

Zach waved the letter that had sent me here in the first place in front of my face. "Read it and ask questions along the way."

I yanked it from his hand and opened it much more gracefully than the others.

_"Cody,_

_"For some reason, I'm attracted to you._

_"I'm not sure what it is. Is it how your face crinkles whenever you laugh? The way your eyes sparkle with pure delight whenever we're up on stage? How you always manage to make everyone around you feel safe, loved, and as if they could talk to you like an old-time friend?_

_"I wish I knew what it was so I could ignore it better. I guess that's why I've got to start ignoring you all together. I don't want to do this. I really don't, but with the way things have been looking out lately, I doubt there'd be any other option._

_"I trust that Pistol will deliver this safely to you, kind of like my own little carrier pigeon but as a cat. Did you know that Carrier Pigeons were a specific kind of pigeon and you can't just train any other kind of pigeon to do the same tasks? I didn't either._

_"Getting off topic, sorry._

_"But really, I should hope that if you're reading this you're out of the hospital and doing swell._

_"It hurt to see you passed out like that, with tubes and all other kinds of fancy stuff being pumped into you. I just wanted to rip them out and hug you and kiss you all over, but I'm pretty sure I'd end up in there with you if I even tried to._

_"Come to think of it, I should have done that. At least we'd be together still then._

_"Enough of all this rambling shit. Let's get to why I'm writing this._

_"I want you to read this carefully, read it even a million times if you have to. I don't want to think that me being in lo like with you has anything to do with it._

_"I know you loved Kota. I know you saw the good in her. I know how happy you think you were with her. I know that after all the time you've two spent together, you wouldn't believe this coming from anyone._

_"But she really isn't the angel you knew her to be, she didn't tell you everything like you thought. She didn't confide in you as much as you thought. Everything about her is a lie. Everything you and everyone else know is a lie._

_"She's not a victim of anything other than being a manipulative person._

_"Exhibit A: Do you remember how you came to me when you thought something was up with her? Remember how you weren't feeling happy anymore, almost as if there were no purpose in life on the last tour? Homesickness, I get it. But it wasn't like any kind of homesick you've ever been._

_"Do you remember how you ended up spilling your heart out to me, how you thought your doubt of sadness would be gone once you got home? How nothing had changed other than knowing where you were in the world that morning? Of course, you got hammered most of the time you were home then so I doubt anything changed at all._

_"Do you remember how you thought you saw her with someone else, that she wasn't acting as in love with you as she once was? Do you remember telling me how you thought sleeping with someone else would make you realize it all just in your head?_

_"You felt guilty for it. You felt as guilty as you ever have because for all you knew, you threw away the best thing that happened to you just over some doubtful thoughts._

_"They weren't doubtful thoughts, Cody._

_"I remember you telling me that you guys had decided to take a break for a bit, nothing too long. Just some time to sort yourselves out. I remember how you acted that week. You seemed happier here, more like the you we all knew._

_"You guys were only apart for about a week or so. But I remember that day I saw her with someone else. I remember when I saw them laughing together, sharing inside jokes, looking utterly in love like she was when you two just got together. I remember frowning to myself, wondering how I would break the news to you. I meant to tell you that night, but I couldn't bear to break your heart anymore that it already seemed like it was then._

_"I should have told you sooner. I'm sorry._

_"You're both in wrong for what you did. You both cheated on each other. A drunken one-night stand and what seemed to be a date going well._

_"Exhibit B: Remember when Alex had to run off for no apparent reason on the last tour? And how he avoided us, more specially Kota, for the rest of the tour? She sat there and watched a look of worry flash across his face, all while smiling._

" _It wasn't until as of late I found out why. She framed him for something he didn't do and said she'd tell his wife, fans, family, everyone if he didn't do as she asked. He didn't go into details about what it was. He's said this isn't the first time she's done something like this._

_"She's no good._

_"And deep down, I think you know that._

_"I think you know that she wasn't as perfect as everyone thought. I think you knew that it wasn't a good relationship from the start. Why did you stay though?_

_"I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you hoped things would work out._

_"But now you obviously realize it didn't._

_"It's some shame good things happen to good people._

_"I'm sorry you had to go through all of this._

_"I'm sorry I just up and left you when you needed me. I couldn't handle telling all of this to your face. It'd hurt too much than it already does._

_"I don't know how to end this, so I'm sorry. The rest of the guys will try and answer all your questions as best they can._

_"Yours,_

_"Pistol's Dad"_

I couldn't believe it. I broke down. Zach patted me on the back, and we sat there in silence again. It felt comforting this time.

~

The funeral was quick. Over almost as soon as it started. I didn't even want to go after Maxx's letter. I tried my best to avoid him at first only to realize how stupid it was. He was right. Everything he said then was right. I shouldn't be avoiding my best boyfriend all because he was being honest.

Everyone offered their sincerest condolences to me during and after the service. I hollowly thanked them and moved on. As awful of a person as she was, I'll be damned if I talk ill of the dead. Besides, if they wanted to believe Kota was a saint, let them. They'd forget about her soon enough anyway.

Everyone did in the end.

~

"Any last words?" I smirked and adjusted the pie in my hand. Maxx opened his mouth to say something, but the guys and I shoved the pies in his face before he could say anything. "Got 'em!" I laughed and handed him a clean towel. I must admit, having his whole cute little face covered in whip cream wasn't my favorite look of his. I preferred seeing his face as is, with nothing blocking the nice view.

He jumped up and grabbed my face, smearing whip cream over my face as he attempted to kiss me.

I mean, I think he meant to do that and the kiss was just a bonus but oh well.

Zach and Dan laughed off to the side, while Syd "Aww"ed behind the camera.

Everyone always joked that Maxx and I would be cute together, but I never really wanted to believe them. I guess it took for everything to fall apart first for me to realize that.

"We're Set It Off and this was the Cream Pie Face Number Challenge video. I'm Dan, that's Zach, and that's Cody and Maxx, the gayest out of all of us. Thanks for watching! Don't forget to subscribe to us, follow us on our personal and band Twitter accounts, and check out our new music video for Hypnotized! Links are all down below, bye guys!"

Syd turned the camera off and giggled at us. I looked around and realized just how much of a mess we'd made. Damn, we should of thought this through better. Oh well, it fun and totally worth it.

I grabbed a trash bag from the kitchen and started to clean up. "You know, we should've thought this through better." Everyone nodded in agreement. "I guess you could this video is really gonna set the fans off." I laughed and set the pie down, looking to everyone else for their reactions. "No, not funny?"

"Not at all in one ounce funny babe." Maxx stared at me with a deadpan look before busting out into a fit of laughter. I couldn't help but smile at his stupid little giggle.

This was nice. I was finally happy again. I was me. I missed this.

I guess it just takes some people a bit of heartbreak before they can find the right thing they need.

I'm just glad I've finally found mine.

_**(Oh my god it's o v e r. I cannot believe!!!!! I feel so relieved and sad at the same time lol. like this was the only thing going for me for a bit and when i decided to do another part, I'd figured it would do just as well as the second one but i guess not haha. its chill, this whole story is a bunch of Yikes anyway n im kinda glad it didn't get as much attention. but anywAY ITS OVER DONE FOR NO MORE UPDATES NO MORE SADNESS NO MORE ANYTHING AHHHHH i am crying in the club right now** _

**_If you wanna keep up with my work you can follow me on instagram at somasean or twitter at dickguzzler_ **

_**ahhh this is end of an era so i guess it means i need to do thanks so here they are:** _

_**my twin for even making me go through with this shitty idea** _

_**you for reading it** _

**_writingexercises.co.uk for giving ideas to finish the rest of this book & pretty much everything else i've written since_ **

_**im pretty sure im missing abunch more people so if you see this, thank you!!!!!!!! so much!!!** _

**_ahhhHHHH okokokok i guess this is goodbye here so :')_ **

**_so long and goodnight (or morning)!!!)_ **


	18. Sorry (ALT Ending)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea why this is like twice as long and im too lazy to go back and reread to see why so if it doubles up, sorry !

**_(oh???? what's this???? an ALTERNATIVE ending????? yes it is ur welcome_** )

_**edit: finally went back and fixed up some spelling mistakes and added more context. it's still pretty much a direct recopy of the last chapter but i did try and add more variation to it towards the end.** _

 

"The girl hadn't spoken since her twin had gone. Even though they were never biologically related, they had a bond that nobody around them could understand. It wasn't until recently she had started to talk again. They had said she'd be fine, but any kind of trauma could have reset the progress we've made quite a while. It was better to be careful than to go back to what you're trying to fix during that time frame." Someone muttered over me. What did they mean? What the hell was going on? "However, something like this is not going to make her run off after all the progression we have made though."

I tried to open my eyes to see who the voice belonged to, I had so many questions to ask them. Who were they talking about, who were they, where was I? What's even happening to me? My eyelids felt like they weighed tons. The only time they've felt that way was when I was hungover, but even then it wasn't like this.

I've never felt this way.

"She's been missing since Friday, and you're not even worried? What kind of half assed officers are you!" A voice on the other side of me cried out. It sounded hoarse and raw, as if the owner of it were crying just before I unknowingly started to ease drop on the conversation.

The other voice sighed and gripped something near me, I assumed a bed sheet, and spoke with a forced sense of assurance. "We'll find her and bring her back home, I promise. As of now, you have got to leave this hospital room or else I will make you." Hospital? Wait, what when did I get to a hospital?

I had become acutely award of the faint beeping, papers shuffling and IV jammed in my arm. Oh god, that meant there was a needle in me. I didn't want there to be a needle in me. Oh god, I had to wake up and get it out right now. I was fine and didn't deserve to be here, I didn't deserve to be somewhere with sick and dying people when I wasn't sick or dying myself.

It wasn't fair.

The, what I assumed, officer left and their footsteps echoed faintly throughout the room. I could still feel the other person was in here with me. They sat down on the bed next to me and grabbed my hand, being gentle enough to not move it. I guess they weren't sure how sore my arm would be. How sweet of them.

"I'm sorry this happened. I'm sorry she's gone. I'm sorry you're here. This is all because of me, and I'm sorry." They sniffled and pulled their hand away. It felt empty without them holding my hand. I wanted them to hug me, tell me everything was going to be okay. I wanted to be in their arms.

But they just got up and left, leaving me to stare at the back of my eyelids until everything slowly faded away.

~

A note was taped to the middle of one of the phone books in the nightstand. I wanted to say it wasn't there before, but who the fuck checks the hospital phone books unless they desperately have to? Nobody does.

It didn't look like it had been there long, but the ink did look smudged and worn out. It couldn't have been here longer than a few weeks, that's for sure.

I took one quick glance around the room to make sure nobody had walked in while I wasn't paying attention and stumbled over to the door to close it, putting the "changing" sign up. Not that the doctors would care anyway, especially if the door was closed for an extended amount of time.

Leaning back on the bed, I carefully opened the letter and did a quick scan over it to see if there was a name attached at the bottom. I could've told who it was from just by the handwriting, but I had wanted some kind of reassurance.

"I'm sorry.

"If you've gotten this, I'm sorry. I never meant for you to find it or even know it existed. This was supposed to be my own personal letter. There's a few things I want to get off my chest and again, I'm sorry if we've already gone over them. I can't tell the future, or else I wouldn't be writing this. Or maybe I would. I don't know."

If you could see the future, you would have known how to prevent this from happening.

"And nothing is for certain, that's the only thing I know, but I'm certain that it's time for me to go. It's nothing personal, it simply hurts to know that I will be alone."

But you weren't.

"I didn't mean to come between the both of you. I never once meant to break your relationship up, I didn't want to make you upset. It was never my intention to hurt either of you.

"You've made me nothing but happy these last few years, more so than you'll ever know. You've made me feel like everything was going to be fine, even when I thought it wouldn't. You've made me feel like the world wasn't as terrible as I thought."

Because it isn't.

"And for those years, I really did believe it was going to be okay. I really believed life would be great again. I really believed I could be fully happy again.

"And I was for a bit.

"Until everything came crashing down again. Until everything about us didn't work anymore. I'm not blaming you, please never think that. I'm blaming myself for letting myself get so attached and hurt. I'm blaming myself for letting you, unknowingly, become my whole world."

Hard to not blame myself now when you tell me not to.

"I can't stand to say this to your face for fear that I'll end up a sobbing mess in front of you. You've seen me cry enough already. I couldn't handle seeing your face crumble as I told all of this to you."

We could have worked it out if you did.

"I know this is a cowardly way to do things. I know this is a cowardly way out of everything. I'm sorry for that."

You could have talked to me.

"I hope you understand why I'm doing this. I hope you forgive me, yet I understand if you don't. Hell, I wouldn't forgive me either if I were in your shoes."

Then why did you do it?

"But I'm not, so I can't choose for you.

"I love you. I always have, and always will, I'm sure of that. I don't want you to be sad over me. I want you to get over this quickly and move on."

It's hard to get over this when you didn't let me know how you were feeling.

"I want you to be happy. Could you really be happy here with me? Could you really enjoy life with me in it? Do you think any of this would have worked out in the end?"

It could have if you talked to me.

"I want to believe that this will never see the light of day. I want to believe that all of our problems are going to melt away into nothingness and that we'll be okay again. I so desperately want things to go back to how they were before."

You should of told me!

"Can they?

"Can they go back to how they were before? Can we start over and forget all of this happened? Can you forgive me for everything, if I do the same for you?

"Can we make this work again?"

They could've. But you didn't want them to.

"I'm not sure we can. You deserve better than me. You deserve to live your life to the fullest. I wish you the best with that."

I can't.

"I love you. I love you and I hate that. I love everything about you and I don't want to. I love your laugh, smile, stupid dad jokes, everything. It would make it so much easier to do this if I didn't."

Why? If it was so hard, why couldn't you tell me? We were promised to tell each other if something was bothering us. Why did you break our promise?

"Please don't waste tears on me. Don't waste them on someone who's already been dead for a long time. Forgive and forget about me."

It's too late for that. My shirt was already damp.

"I have so much left to ask. Some of which I don't want to know the answers to. I'm afraid to hear them."

You could have asked them if you just waited a little bit longer.

"But I'll leave you with this,

"I'm sorry you wasted time on me. I'll never forget it. Thank you for mending a broken heart. Thank you for fixing me."

It wasn't a waste. I loved the time we spent together.

"I'm sorry I couldn't do the same for you. I hope you'll find someone that mends your heart the way you did mine."

But you did.

"I wish you the best.

"Goodbye."

I don't want to say goodbye just yet.

"With Sincerity,"

I tried my hardest to make out the name at the bottom but it had been smudged, as if whoever was writing it was crying during and didn't notice.

I wiped my face and flipped the letter over to find there had been quite a few things crossed out. I moved the letter closer to my face and squinted, trying my hardest to make out what any of them said before. One in particular had stuck out to me, causing my heart to sink even more than it had reading the letter.

"Can we pretend our hope has died, but our love's not dead?"

"I never thought I'd fall in love with my best friend."

Everything around me came to a jarring halt. It felt as if millions of tiny little pins were being jammed into my skin. I could feel them poking through layer after layer.

The phone book fell to the floor with a loud thud, the letter fluttering along with it. The last thing I remember vividly was the door opening and a small group of people rushing in.

Voices became muffled as something sharp was shoved into my neck.

"Are you sure that's what you saw?"

"Should we move him to higher security?"

"Schedule a mental evaluation."

I didn't need a mental evaluation! I just needed to get out of here already!

This wasn't fair.

None of this was fair.

I struggled to get away from everyone. I just wanted to be back home already.

This couldn't be more than all a bad dream and I was going to wake up any moment.

~

I kept nodding in and out of consciousness, only growing more tired. I had no idea where I was. All I could hear were people muttering about me. Or at least I think it's about me?

Someone poked my side with the end of their pen and spoke to someone next to them.

"Not well."

Their footsteps retreated as my heart slowed down and the world faded away once again.

~

There was screaming. Or hysterical crying. I couldn't tell which, but I could tell whoever it was was distressed.

"I'm not sugarcoating this. They're dead. We did everything we could. The best professionals even flew out to help them. It's not worth it to help someone that's been dead for a while."

Footsteps grew closer to where I was lying. Did they mean me? It couldn't be me. I was still alive.

I didn't feel it though. "All of our resources are running into a lost cause." Someone grabbed my hand and pulled something out. "The funeral will be soon."

A small clank of metal hitting metal and the footsteps resided again. "You better clean up. You'll be having counseling soon." The door closed with a heavy thud.

I don't know how long I laid there listening to the dejected crying before they sat next to me. "I'm sorry," They sniffled and kissed me lightly on the forehead. "I love you."

And with that, they got up and sulked out of the room, leaving me to what seemed liked eternal darkness.

They let me go early. I'm not sure why they bothered to even keep me. I mean, it wasn't like I was on the verge of death at any point. They just kept mumbling a bunch of shit while they thought I wasn't listening and gave me way too many pills with names that I can only dream of pronouncing correctly.

I had wanted to ask them who they meant went missing, but every time I brought it up they just brushed me off. I even tried getting ahold of the boys, but they always said it wasn't anything important. Or at least that's what their faces said.

I sighed and opened the front door to the house. It felt odd in here now. Like something was wrong. Or missing. It had the feeling of when you walk into a place you're not supposed to be at. As if a certain kind of uncertainty filled the air.

Dropping my keys on the nearby hook, I grabbed all the mail that been stacked up in a pile and sat down on the couch. We've never gotten this much mail before which was odd. Even if it was mostly just spam, we never had a big pile.

I just figured that one of the guys must've signed up for something and had it sent here instead.

The calmness was killing me, so I fished around for the remote and let the TV on the whatever channel it flipped to. It was the same thing as always. Weather, troubles with North Korea and how we're on the verge of a third World War, and to the scores of whatever games were on last night.

It seemed like that was all the world was now.

Rapidly increasing heat, something about Trump and his goons, missing people, sports and repeat.

I always wanted to believe that they just recycled the same news story and the world wasn't actually as bad as they made it out be. What an idiot I am for thinking that. I should've figured by now that we were just going farther and farther down a rabbit hole we never should know existed.

We're just puppets in a master less world, left to protect ourselves from beasts we cannot see. We see each other as the beast we're meant to protect ourselves from, while the actual Monsters sit atop their thrones and laugh at us. They're always taking pride in the chaos and madness they've created, while the rest of us kill ourselves trying to figure out what to do.

It was painful to realize that this was the world we're forced to live in. It hurt, but it was our inescapable reality.

I'd gotten through most of the mail quickly, separating it into "Junk", "Bills", and "Letters" piles. Surprisingly enough, there wasn't that much Junk mail whereas the letter pile was overflowing. What the fuck happened that caused for there to be this many letters? I mean, our address didn't get leaked that was for sure. Unless one of the boys decided to check on the P.O. box and dumped it all here, I had no idea.

The first few I opened had all said something among the same lines with some rambles thrown in to make it seem more heartfelt.

"We're sorry for your loss."

I frowned and flicked through the letters hoping to find some explanation until a small, handwritten envelope caught my attention. Small bumps rose on my skin as my heart began to thump rapidly

and my hands began to shake as I went to open it.

I had completely droned out the TV by this point and nearly shit myself when I heard the breaking news sound. "We're here to interrupt your scheduled programming with what we believe is an update to a missing person's case. Police have just found a body found dumped behind dumpster at a local supermarket. They are unable to determine the exact cause of death as of now, but it looks like it may be a possible suicide. A note was found taped to their body and multiple pills and needles were found littered around the body, we are unsure if those were there already but coroners are hard at work." A blonde woman with fake pearls on her neck gave the camera a dead pan stare and shuffled the papers on the desk in front of her. "We have a live interview with what appears to be an eyewitness. Albert, we're turning this over to you."

A middle aged white man nodded at the camera and fiddled with the mic in his hand. He looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there. And who could blame him anyway?

"Thank you, Sandra. Even though the news has just broken there's already many theories about how she died circulating around. Some are saying that a due to a note being left behind it pointed to suicide, while so-called fans and close friends are currently saying they knew something like that would never happen. A recount from someone claiming to be their best friend, reads as following:

'I knew him better than anyone. We were practically family with how much we shared with each other. I knew he felt terrible and wanted to die sometimes, but he would never go through with it. He always had some kind of way to cope with it. He wrote that note ages ago when he was down. It's how he copped.

'He was more than happy whenever we talked and he was finally starting to feel better about himself. He was murdered and anyone that had spent more than 10 minutes with him would know it.'" The newscaster cleared his throat and clenched the papers in his other hand tighter, looking mildly uncomfortable talking about someone that killed themselves. I understood it kind of. Nobody wants to talk about death, and nobody really wants to talk about it when it's a suicide.

"As for the eyewitness, they've kindly asked to not have their identity known so we have pitched their voice and not shown their face."

I reached for my phone on the table and tried to call the rest of the band not wanting to hear anymore whatever was going on. Of course, none of them answered, so I had to resort to sending them a text to reply ASAP. I was tired of not getting the answers I needed and wanted. It wasn't fair to just keep me in the dark about something as big as this. Sure, it could have been some coincidence with the news report but this all seemed so...off.

Zach was the first to reply, almost as soon as I had sent it. His message wasn't long or even asking much on why I was freaking out so much. Just a simple "you ok bud?"

Sydney had replied a few moments later, her message was asking if everything was alright and that I should just come over if it was incredibly urgent. I played it over in my head. It did seem like a much better idea to just go over to their house and talk this out with all of them instead of over the phone. At least I could know if they were hiding anything if they shared any knowing looks.

I grabbed the pile of letters from off the table and made my way out to the car. If I was going to get answers, I guess I had to face some confrontation.

Before I knew it, I was already at their house, box of letters in hand and my dread in my heart. I probably should have geared myself up for this, but I didn't want to just run off now. Not when the answers were brushing my fingertips and all I had to do was grasp them tight.

I didn't have to knock on the door as Syd flung it open and engulfed me in a tight hug. I almost broke down right there with how comforting it felt. I felt like everything that was wrong in the world melted away and I was here just to chat with everyone over drinks and watching whatever was on TV.

It felt like home. I felt safe for once in a long time.

But of course, good things can never last for me, can they?

I sat down in the chair nearest me and emptied the letters onto the dining room table. A few ended up flying off the table and landed on the ground. I didn't bother to pick them up. At least not yet.

Dan picked up the letters and sat across from me, a small look of worry across his face. "What's all this, Cody?" I rolled my eyes and started tearing open letters.

"Why the hell do they all say they're 'sorry for my loss' and why do you and the doctors and ever the fucking police officers keep avoiding me whenever I ask them who went missing! I'm sick of not knowing!" I tore open a letter with my teeth and glared at Dan.

"I was just in the hospital for three weeks due to being knocked out, and another two for something else. Hell, it could've been longer with as much time as I can't remember.

"I've had my every move watched by doctors who would scribble away furiously whenever I did something. I'm on literally ten different medications that I don't even know what they're for! I had to go group meetings for people with mental problems for no goddamn reason! I was even told I'd probably have to go to a fucking institution for crazy people and you can't even tell me what the hell is going on in the world!" I slammed the letter down and clenched my jaw, trying not to get angrier than I already was.

Everyone just stared at me in shock, as if they weren't expecting that from me. Almost as if they were expecting me to ask where the recycling bin was to throw all the paper away.

Nobody said anything for a while.

Or really moved that much.

It was dead silent again. I was tired of being left in silence lately. It wasn't fair.

"And why isn't Maxx replying to my messages?" I frowned and checked my phone, hoping that he'd so much as seen my message.

Zach waved the letter that had sent me here in the first place in front of my face. "Read it and ask questions along the way."

I yanked it from his hand and opened it much more gracefully than the others.

"Cody,

"For some reason, I'm attracted to you.

"I'm not sure what it is. Is it how your face crinkles whenever you laugh? The way your eyes sparkle with pure delight whenever we're up on stage? How you always manage to make everyone around you feel safe, loved, and as if they could talk to you like an old-time friend?

"I wish I knew what it was so I could ignore it better. I guess that's why I've got to start ignoring you all together. I don't want to do this. I really don't, but with the way things have been looking out lately, I doubt there'd be any other option.

"I trust that Pistol will deliver this safely to you, kind of like my own little carrier pigeon but as a cat. Did you know that Carrier Pigeons were a specific kind of pigeon and you can't just train any other kind of pigeon to do the same tasks? I didn't either.

"Getting off topic, sorry.

"But really, I should hope that if you're reading this you're out of the hospital and doing swell.

"It hurt to see you passed out like that, with tubes and all other kinds of fancy stuff being pumped into you. I just wanted to rip them out and hug you and kiss you all over, but I'm pretty sure I'd end up in there with you if I even tried to.

"Come to think of it, I should have done that. At least we'd be together still then.

"Enough of all this rambling shit. Let's get to why I'm writing this.

"I want you to read this carefully, read it even a million times if you have to. I don't want to think that me being in lo like with you has anything to do with it.

"I know you loved Kota. I know you saw the good in her. I know how happy you think you were with her. I know that after all the time you've two spent together, you wouldn't believe this coming from anyone.

"But she really isn't the angel you knew her to be, she didn't tell you everything like you thought. She didn't confide in you as much as you thought. Everything about her is a lie. Everything you and everyone else know is a lie.

"She's not a victim of anything other than being a manipulative person.

"Exhibit A: Do you remember how you came to me when you thought something was up with her? Remember how you weren't feeling happy anymore, almost as if there were no purpose in life on the last tour? Homesickness, I get it. But it wasn't like any kind of homesick you've ever been.

"Do you remember how you ended up spilling your heart out to me, how you thought your doubt of sadness would be gone once you got home? How nothing had changed other than knowing where you were in the world that morning? Of course, you got hammered most of the time you were home then so I doubt anything changed at all.

"Do you remember how you thought you saw her with someone else, that she wasn't acting as in love with you as she once was? Do you remember telling me how you thought sleeping with someone else would make you realize it all just in your head?

"You felt guilty for it. You felt as guilty as you ever have because for all you knew, you threw away the best thing that happened to you just over some doubtful thoughts.

"They weren't doubtful thoughts, Cody.

"I remember you telling me that you guys had decided to take a break for a bit, nothing too long. Just some time to sort yourselves out. I remember how you acted that week. You seemed happier here, more like the you we all knew.

"You guys were only apart for about a week or so. But I remember that day I saw her with someone else. I remember when I saw them laughing together, sharing inside jokes, looking utterly in love like she was when you two just got together. I remember frowning to myself, wondering how I would break the news to you. I meant to tell you that night, but I couldn't bear to break your heart anymore that it already seemed like it was then.

"I should have told you sooner. I'm sorry.

"You're both in wrong for what you did. You both cheated on each other. A drunken one-night stand and what seemed to be a date going well.

"Exhibit B: Remember when Alex had to run off for no apparent reason on the last tour? And how he avoided us, more specially Kota, for the rest of the tour? She sat there and watched a look of worry flash across his face, all while smiling.

"It wasn't until as of late I found out why. She framed him for something he didn't do and said she'd tell his wife, fans, family, everyone if he didn't do as she asked. He didn't go into details about what it was. He's said this isn't the first time she's done something like this.

"She's no good.

"And deep down, I think you know that.

"I think you know that she wasn't as perfect as everyone thought. I think you knew that it wasn't a good relationship from the start. Why did you stay though?

"I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you hoped things would work out.

"But now you obviously realize it didn't.

"It's some shame good things happen to good people.

"I'm sorry you had to go through all of this.

"I'm sorry I just up and left you when you needed me. I couldn't handle telling all of this to your face. It'd hurt too much than it already does.

"I don't know how to end this, so I'm sorry. The rest of the guys will try and answer all your questions as best they can.

"I hope you can forgive me and I'm sorry it ended this way. I'll always love you.

"Goodbye.

"Yours,

"Pistol's Dad"

I couldn't believe it. I broke down. Zach patted me on the back, and we sat there in silence again. It felt comforting this time.

~

The funeral was quick. Over almost as soon as it started. I didn't even want to go after Maxx's letter. I tried my best to avoid everyone. I didn't want to look Kota in the face after what Maxx had said she'd done. But I couldn't trust a dead man, can I? It's not like I could really confront him and ask if everything was true.

Everyone offered their sincerest condolences to me after the service. I just thanked them and moved on. All I wanted was to just head back home and forget this entire thing had happened. I stared down at the spot that Maxx would now call home and felt my heart sink. I reached into my jacket pocket and gripped his note tightly in a fist. This all could have been prevented if I just spent more time with him. If I just listened to him.

He would still be here, wouldn't he? Still here by my side, laughing at the stupid jokes I've just said. We'd still be getting Chiplote and watching dumb horror movies, sending each other cursed videos. If I had just taken that extra minute to talk with him, this all would just be a bad dream.

I felt a small hand rest on my shoulder and slowly tug me away from Maxx's grave. "Come on, let's head on home. It's been a long day." My gaze shifted from a new headstone to Kota, standing there with a sad look in her eyes and frown plastered on her face.

I wouldn't be able to forget about the things Maxx had written about her. They would eat away at the back of my mind whenever we lay in bed or linger on my lips like a sour after taste when we kiss. "I know that you miss him but we'll come and visit later if you want to," Her voice cracked when she first spoke but soon evened out. "but the caretakers are ushering people out."

"Yeah, you're right." I let out a shaky breath, wrapped an arm around Kota's shoulders and began to walk away. Nobody would know what had happened between us three leading up to this point and that's probably for the best.

We had walked all the way to the gate when I realized I was still holding on Maxx's note for dear life. Whether or not what he wrote was true, I had no way of knowing now. But I had to move on sooner or later, even if that meant staying with someone as supposedly terrible as her.

I let the note go and grabbed her hand, watching as the sun began to sink behind his headstone. I know, how poetic.

I wasn't about stop anyone if they thought Kota was a saint or if they wanted to believe they knew the whole story.

They were only hurting themselves in the end.

~

"Any last words?" I smirked and adjusted the pie in my hand. Zach opened his mouth to say something, but before he could get a word out, Dan and I shoved the pies in his face. "Got 'em!" I laughed and handed him a clean towel.

Zach playfully glared at his and yanked it from my hands. "Why am I even in the band with you guys? Fuckin dicks, you guys don't even know your Harry Potter houses!"

I rolled my eyes and smiled over at Kota who was having to hold the animals back. I still hadn't talked to her about everything that was in Maxx's note, but I'm sure we'd get there soon enough. It's not like I could keep it a secret forever.

Once Zach got his face clean enough to see again, we all gathered around in front of the camera and said our half assed outro.

"We're Set It Off and this was the Cream Pie Face Number Challenge video. I'm Dan, that's Zach, and that's Cody. Thanks for watching! Don't forget to subscribe to our channel, follow us on our personal and band Twitter accounts, and check out our new music video for Hypnotized! Links are all down below, bye guys!"

Syd turned the camera off and giggled at us. I looked around and realized just how much of a mess we'd made. Damn, we should of thought this through better. Oh well, it fun and totally worth it.

I grabbed a trash bag from the kitchen and started to clean up. "You know, we should've thought this through better." Everyone nodded in agreement. "I guess you could this video is really gonna set the fans off." I laughed and set it down, looking to everyone else for their reactions. "No, not funny?"

Kota just gave me a deadpan look and let the dogs go, causing them to get whipcream not only all over themselves, but me as well. My nice back jeans were ruined now. Damn dogs.

"Honestly, fuck y'all, that was a funny joke." Everyone just looked at each other, probably non verbally deciding to kick me out of the band over that very amazing pun. What fuckin haters, never appreciating my puns. I'm punny. Why can't anyone ever revel in my glory?

Before I could even open my mouth to make another pun, Kota had shoved a plate of whip cream in my face and giggled. Oh, it was fucking on. If she wanted a food fight, there was gonna be a food fight.

Dan and Syd each grabbed a can and started spraying each other with it, while Zach had to keep dodging the wild spurts of cream.

I sighed and grabbed a can, looking around the room.

I guess you could this mess really...

Set me off.

I'm so funny.

Well hey, if all else fails I still have puns to look forward to right?


End file.
